Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published April 19, 2006

I love my boyfriend and I know that he loves me, but I am worried about him. I'm sure that he must be classified as an alcoholic. If he doesn't have at least a few drinks a day, he gets the shakes. He is so good to me, and always seems to be willing to work through any problem we encounter. The only issue is that I don't know how to confront him about how much his drinking worries me. I slip into the nagging girlfriend mode more often than I would like, and he oftentimes gets pretty defensive before we are able to talk rationally again. I've only let on that his drinking in particular worries me once before, and he kind of brushed it off because either I wasn't persistent enough, or he just doesn't realize that it is a problem.

I don't want to deal with his drunkenness every night, but I don't want to just leave him to fend for himself. I know that ultimatums never work, and I know that I am more than willing to do anything to help him get better, or at least get the message across that I think there is something wrong, even if he doesn't realize it. I don't know how to approach the subject without making him feel attacked. I need him to know that I am serious, but I have no idea how to summarize all I've said to you so that he will see that I am pleading for him to change. I know that when he is drunk, he knows I am upset. I just wish he could remember how sorry he is the next morning. I am so lost on what to say and do. Should I consider couple's therapy? I doubt he is willing to throw in the bottle yet. I am so frustrated. I can't talk to our friends about it because they think he is so much fun, but they don't see him once we leave the bar/ party. I would really appreciate any advice you could give me. I've almost given up on our relationship ever functioning any differently. Thank you so much for your time. I hope to hear from you soon.

Ladylove

I know you asked for confidentiality, but I took out any and all specifics and printed your letter anyway because the issue you’re bringing up is too important not to discuss. Alcohol can be incredibly destructive, and it seems like it can really sneak up on people - especially in a college town.

Yes, your boyfriend is an alcoholic. No, he doesn’t appear to think there is a problem. And frankly, with the work/ friend situation you are describing, I don’t see this changing anytime soon.

You say you haven’t really talked to him about it. Okay, that’s your first step. And do not do this when he is drunk, about to go drink, or still hung over and mad at you for the fight he has probably started with you the night before.

First, remove yourself from the situation for a minute. Go sleep at your own place, or if you share a place, crash with a friend. Next, tell him you want to see him - for coffee, for lunch, whatever. Make sure you do it before he is able to get a drink in him. Tell him this is important and make sure there’s plenty of time so you can say everything you need to say. Get him there, tell him you’re worried, that you love him, and that you want him to stop and will do whatever you can to help. Tell him about his behavior and how it makes you feel.

Do not be afraid of the “ultimatum.” You can’t stay in this so-called relationship unless he changes. You need to consider the fact that he is going to blow you off, and be ready to leave if he does. You are not happy; you are not fulfilled by this relationship, and the whole “leaving him to fend for himself” thing is bullshit. He isn’t a fucking bear cub and you are not Mama Bear. He was an alcoholic before he met you, and if he doesn’t choose to do something about it, he will be an alcoholic when you’re gone. You get what you settle for, honey. Don’t be a martyr.

A few weeks back you printed a letter from a woman whose boyfriend requested that she keep in contact with him, and as I recall you gave her a pretty good answer. That same letter has become subject for discussion amongst my female coworkers at the office where I work. The question of "future contact" has been a hot topic also. (It seems that when a relationship ends, it ends because it has in some way become dysfunctional to both parties involved. Everyone seems to understand what physical abuse entails, however not everyone seems to understand what verbal abuse is all about. Most people recognize name calling and humiliation as verbal abuse, but verbal abuse seems to be more about the devaluing of the human spirit on a constant basis. Verbal abuse is about confusion and feeling bad about oneself, especially when your partner screams at you, "Look at all I did for you!" or "It's all your fault!" or "No one likes you!"

Verbal abuse is trashing, gossiping and invalidating another. Usually "nice" guys are verbal abusers; they never show this side of themselves publicly.

Seriously, would you want to have future contact with someone who screams at you over the phone, and blames you for baiting him?

John Galt

I am not exactly sure what your question is, JG. Would I want future contact with a person who screams at me over the phone? Nobody really wants that, do they?

But sometimes a person who is really bad for you in a relationship can be okay once you stop being in a relationship with them, just like somebody who is your really good friend first can make a lousy significant other. Compatibility is a weird thing.

If you are asking me if a person should have “future contact” (we’ll just call it “FC” from here on out) with somebody who was a shitty S.O., then I would have to say it completely depends on the situation. If the FC is based on friendship and mutual respect, and isn’t a replay of the shitty relationship they had when they were sleeping together, and if both parties are willing participants, then I don’t see any problem with it. If, however, it becomes a “you always used to…” conversation, with more arguments and more verbal abuse, then the unhealthy relationship never ended and the person who was/is being abused is fooling themselves into thinking they are over it.

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check image over there.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check image over there.