Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published April 12, 2006

Hey, I just wanted to respond to your perfect deduction of my letter about Struggling to Suck-It-Up [Mar. 29]. First of all, that was actually the first time that I had written to you because I think your column is basically crap. As a matter of fact, I usually read it on the john (as it helps relieve constipation). Second, you were right about me in a sense. I have gotten lazier. I now only have one full-time, salary job instead of two jobs and school (or three jobs in the instances where there were no classes for me to take). However, I have no jealous bone in my body. I am perfectly confidant in who I am and I know that any girl that cheats on me isn’t worth my time. Third, I hope that you print this letter (although I know that you are probably too scared because you don’t want people to find out how little reasoning you have and how pathetic your attempts to try to judge people through letters are). You were completely wrong about me and you’re probably completely wrong about most of the people that you give advice. I just hope that one day soon the Flagpole will realize that your column is crap and you have no talent and release you. Which is why you probably won’t print this because you don’t want to lose your low-paying job. Man, I wish they would bring the personals back. At least those were real and occasionally humorous.

Anonymous

Whatsa matter sweetie, did I hurt your feelings? Well, good thing you did the manly thing and set me straight about my crappy column - you know, the one that’s so crappy it makes you crap, and yet you still read it every week? Yeah, that one. I mean, this one. No, I am not “afraid” to print your hilarious and totally sophomoric letter, and I am sorry if I mistook you for somebody else, but as I said, you sounded very familiar. Like STSIU, you “left some holes in your story," but you did go on and on (and on and on…), while remaining very vague and difficult to follow, much like another heartbroken guy who just wrote in a few weeks ago. So I thought you might be him. Obviously I was wrong, but I wasn’t really judging you. Your letter wasn’t a question, so I didn’t need to give you an answer. I merely thanked you for your input and tried to give you a little “Hey, how’s it going?” kind of statement, an acknowledgment. Put it this way: if we had been passing each other on the street, it would have been a very subtle nod. Not a screaming, sorority-chick style “Oh. My. God!! How ARE you?!” - rather a non-verbal acknowledgment that we recognized one another from a previous social exchange. Note my encouragement about the new love. I was being sincere.

So that made you defensive, and you wrote me an angry letter. I gotta say man, if you were really confident (I assume that’s the word you meant to use, rather than confidant, which is the word you did use, spellcheck can’t do everything, honey) in who you were, you probably wouldn’t feel the need to write to me and tell me how much money you make (ooohh, you have a salary!), how pathetic and wrong I am, and how dumb the Flagpole is for continuing to print my useless words. So maybe you need to work on that a little. That and the defensiveness, which just spells insecurity, which is completely unattractive.

Finally, I believe that most people who read this column know exactly how little reasoning I have and how pathetic my attempts to “judge” people through letters are. But being completely wrong about you (and, potentially, about most of the people to whom I dish advice) doesn’t make my readers less interested in other people’s problems or other people’s tirades. Therefore, despite my utter lack of talent and my crappy, crappy column, it is unlikely that I will ever be released (do you hear me, Amnesty International?), or that I will lose my “low-paying job.” If you want a specific answer, then I need a specific question (or at least an intelligible diatribe). Also, for the record, I wish the personals would come back, too.

I have let this guy move in with me. He seems to think that in exchange for sex, he gets room and board for free. Should I ask him to pay half the costs? I hesitate to do so, because I really hardly know him at all.

Uncertain

He gets room and board for free? Man, are you a nice landlord! Yeah, definitely get half the rent. And the bills. Unless the sex is good enough to pay for. Did you find him in the classifieds? Which section?

Confidential to the feckless twit who keeps trying to pose questions as if he were a woman: Seriously, I know you’re not. So stop it. Women might be stupid, but they are certainly not the kind of stupid that you are, and quite frankly I am bored to death by your pathetic attempts at subterfuge and/ or humor. If you have a problem with women being all liberated and oh, I don’t know, equal and all, then stick it up your ass. Move to a country where subjugation is legal and encouraged, and quit bemoaning the fact that you can’t get laid. You SUCK. That’s why you can’t get laid. It isn’t because women are shallow, or stupid, or greedy (though some women are all of those things). It isn’t because we only want convenient sex and a fat wallet, or because we don’t understand your lofty pseudo-academic blathering. It’s because you are a self-important windbag with no social skills and no concept of propriety.

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button right over there (probably to your left.)

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button right over there (probably to your left.)