Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published April 5, 2006

I just found out that my boyfriend of two years has a kid! He got his girlfriend pregnant when he was in high school, and both she and the kid live in another state, so it’s not like he’s being responsible for it, either, which is kind of good and kind of bad. I don’t know how to feel. I can’t believe he didn’t tell me sooner than this, and even though I am glad I don’t have to see it, I can’t believe he would just throw the kid aside like that. Now I am sort of afraid that he just isn’t the guy I thought he was and I am freaking. Do I dump him?

Precarious

Okay, he got his girlfriend pregnant in high school, so it’s not like he was at an age where you should expect much from him in the way of responsibility. It would be different if he were an adult in a serious relationship and this happened. It is a lot for you to process, but I can see why he might not just come right out and tell you about the kid right off the bat. Hell, he probably doesn’t even know how he feels about the situation, much less how you might react. The good thing is that he takes your relationship seriously enough to tell you now. The bad thing is that if you stay together, this is not something that is just going to go away. Give yourself some time to process it a little, and think long and hard about how you would feel about this situation if you do stay together. Talk to him. Ask him how he feels. And be prepared for the worst. You may not want to hear what he really thinks or how he feels, but you can’t go forward unless you do. That said, remember your birth control.

What do I do now? I have a really bad memory for names, and there is a girl I like who is friends with a girl I kind of know that I see at least once a week. We usually say hi and sometimes stop to talk for a minute between classes. We have been introduced a couple times, but it was a long time ago, and now I want to ask her out, but I am too embarrassed to admit I don’t remember her.

Stumped

Well, you can either ask the chick who introduced you in the first place, or you can get over it and just ask her. Best if you just come right out and say “Hey, I’m really embarrassed about this, but I can’t remember your name to save my life.” It’s not like you don’t remember her - you talk to her all the time, right? Besides, that would be a nice segue into asking her out. “Yeah, I’ve wanted to ask you out for a couple weeks, but I felt stupid because… So, do you want to get some lunch?”

I liked her and we kept making dates and she kept breaking them, so finally I started ignoring her. I'm always caught between a hundred different girls and women, it seems like. My question is, was that a mistake? I mean, was I being too hard on her expecting her to just make up her mind and go out with me? Do you think maybe she was afraid? I know that I exude kind of a persona where it seems like I expect a lot of people, but the truth is I don't care enough to judge people. Dammit Jyl, I really liked her, but I'm not going to fuck around for three or four weeks without even seeing her. As I said, I'm always stuck between more than one and what it ends up, week after fucked-up week, is that I don't pursue any of them. She's timid it seems or just not sure of herself or something, something, and then she lied to me, so I said to hell with it, why waste my time? But I still think about her, and that bugs me.

Self-Doubting

It doesn’t really matter why she kept breaking the dates. Fact is she did, and you never went out, so you will never know. I think ignoring her is more than a little childish though, don’t you? I mean, if you were more secure, you would just have a sense of humor about it and let her off easy, thereby leaving open the possibility that she might eventually come around. But now you just look pissed off (and totally insecure, and might I add, stupid?) and surely she is uncomfortable and there’s no way she’s ever going to bother. Way to go there, dude. But hey, how can you possibly have time to worry with all those other chicks you have lined up, right? Please.

Why don’t you just drop the bullshit and decide on one woman and give yourself a chance to succeed instead of acting like a jackass (sorry, I mean “exuding a persona” and being all intimidating and shit) and being alone? Do you still think about this particular girl because she is the first one that ever blew you off? Gee, I can’t imagine why she might have second thoughts about dating you, what with you being so intelligent and obviously charming and all. Has it occurred to you that this is how all the other “hundreds of girls and women” must feel when you fuck with their heads? You just got beat at your own game, boy. Maybe it’s time to stop playing.

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.