Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published March 29, 2006

I declined to have sex with a guy who I really like because I did not want him to think I was easy, but then I slipped up and had sex with a guy I really didn’t like all that much. How can I explain things to the first one?

A Fallen Woman

First off, I don’t know if “slipped up” is the kind of phrase you want to be using in this context, honey. You knew what you were doing and you did it - whatever. Also, who says you need to explain things to the guy at all? Did he ask? Does he think you already have some sort of relationship or exclusivity thing going on? If he does, then you fucked up. Tell him just like you told me. He may not buy it, and he may blow you off, but at least you got it out in the open, right? However, if you don’t have an actual relationship with him, then you shouldn’t feel obligated to tell him at all. Just try to avoid more pointless casual sex whilst you are in pursuit.

This is about Struggling to Suck-It-Up [Mar. 15] - I had a recent experience and she left a few holes in her story. First of all, did she break up with him because she didn’t want to get too close and was scared of getting hurt, or did he break up with her, cheat on her, etc.? Basically, I am in the same situation right now. I am still in love with my ex and no matter what I do, I don’t think that I will ever be over her. I know that she loves me still, but I also know that she was scared of me holding her back from doing everything and going everywhere she has wanted to go. Even though I told her over and over again that I wanted her to do those things and encouraged her. We ended up breaking up because she “couldn’t get over the fact that I said that she was emotionally shut off toward me,” which she even admitted at one point. I have moved on and I love someone else, but I am still in love with her. Second, has she tried staying friends with this person or did she push them away trying not to get hurt? Depending on the situation, it might be a good idea to at least attempt a friendship, because if this guy is like me, then maybe they are both suffering and sometimes the best way to appreciate how much someone means to you is to lose them. If you are ever able to get them back, then you’ll never want to lose them again, because you know how much it truly hurts to not be with them. Just thought I would throw my two cents in, because even though I am trying to move on with my life, I know how much it hurts to still be in love with someone and it’s possible that in STSIU’s situation, that maybe he feels the same way.

Anonymous

Well, thanks for the psychoanalysis, A. I’m sure Struggling appreciates it. Did I perchance get a letter from you in the recent past? You sound awfully familiar. Jealousy issues, perhaps? And laziness? I hope you have either fixed these things or at least put them all on the table for your new love. And congrats on letting go just a little.

I just found out that a woman who my husband has been friends with since high school actually propositioned him the last time she came to visit. This is a person whom I consider somewhat of a friend, whom I have gone shopping with while my husband was at work, and who stays with us every so often when she comes to visit. I am so pissed I want to call her up and cuss her out, not to mention the fact that I am angry with him for not telling me sooner. Thing is, this was several months ago. We had been having a fight about something that was kind of serious, but that we have since gotten past, and he mentioned to her that we were not having a lot of sex at the time. So while I am at the house making dinner for this slut, she is in the car with my husband asking him if he wants to get a fucking hotel! What the hell am I supposed to think? I am damn sure not letting her stay here again, but should I call her and tell her why? Should I be mad at him?

Hate Her

Wow HH, that bitch sucks. I am curious as to how it came up and why your husband decided to tell you now, since it happened so long ago. Was he waiting because he thought it would be safer? Is she coming back soon and he’s uncomfortable? Did he say it in a moment of anger, so that you knew that he had other options? If he was just telling you in order to come clean, I say let him off the hook. Assume that he didn’t take her up on it and kept quiet until she left because he didn’t know how to react, and I can’t say I blame him. As long as he understands that this woman is no longer welcome in your house, then just forget about it. On the other hand, if you are in danger of having to deal with her again, maybe clearing the air would be a good thing. Next time she comes for a visit, you should tell her that she isn’t welcome to stay and tell her why. Be calm and don’t wait for any explanation - just tell her that she needs to find a hotel, and that while you accept the fact that she and your husband are friends, it doesn’t in any way obligate you to suffer her presence again.

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.