Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published March 15, 2006

First off: love your column complete with your raw I-don’t-tip-toe-around-the-matter answers. Okay, so I’ve recently had my heart broken. Despite the fact that I took every precaution not to let that happen, it did. I realized that the guy I loved and couldn’t seem to get over has moved on and now loves somebody else. It was devastating to me. Now I feel that my heart is hardened over. I’ve slept with a couple of guys since him and I literally felt nothing afterwards - no emotional attachments, no pangs of attraction. Just nothing. My question is: how long is the healing process supposed to take? It’s been a few months now and I still get gut-wrenching feelings if he crosses my mind. Is it a waste of my time to attempt dating other people when I know I’m still not over that one guy? I’ve heard people say that the best way to get over someone is to meet/ date someone else. I feel like I need counseling or something because going out drinking with friends and meeting new guys is not working thus far. Any suggestions?

Struggling To Suck-It-Up

If you think counseling might help, then you can give it a shot, but you sound fine to me. Having your heart broken sucks, and you have to give yourself time to recover. There is no specific amount of time, no “magic number” that you need to worry about. And just because you slept with a couple of people and you didn’t instantly fall in love doesn’t mean you’re a heartless bitch who will never love again (though it may mean you could stand to be a bit more discerning in that regard). Getting over someone isn’t a matter of just meeting or dating somebody else. It’s a matter of meeting somebody better. And you will, eventually. For now, just take a step back and try to have fun again.

I had a “best friend” who I was kind of in love with back at my old school. I started to fall for him based on the vibes I thought he was giving out. We hung out all the time… doing odd things together. Not odd sexual things, just random stuff to cure boredom. Throughout the friendship, we would sleep over at each other’s houses and snuggle like we were in love. We might make out if alcohol was involved, but usually it was pretty innocent. After about six months, we had sex for about 30 seconds… then a redemption fu** a few days later. He freaked out, then I freaked out, and now when we hang out, I feel like he thinks I’m obsessed. I did have strong feelings for him until he gave me the “we are just friends” lecture. I am friends with many old flames, and I don’t like him thinking he has some sort of advantage over me because I am more emotional than him. I sometimes wonder if it is worth the anxiety to remain friends with this person. Can I remain friends with some one I had guilty sex with? Let me know. Thanks,

KEK

You can still be friends with the guy if you want to, KEK, but I don’t see why you would. He kind of sounds like a shithead egomaniac to me. Unless of course, you are leaving out important details. Did you profess your undying love for him after you had sex with him? Did you respond poorly (like, with tears, for example) to the “we’re just friends” lecture? Did you call him 37 times that day? If you did, then you can’t blame the guy for getting a bit edgy. If not, then tell him to get over himself. And in the future, remember that getting drunk and making out - even if it happens multiple times - doesn’t necessarily equal falling in love, no matter how it works on “The OC.”

Okay, about two months ago, I started dating my friend’s cousin. I was warned by my friend that it would not be wise to date this person for the simple fact that he is somewhat of a whore. Of course, I didn’t listen because I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Well, it just so turns out that he had a lot of girl “friends,“ which I was okay with at first. I even met a few of them and everything was great. To make a long story short, he would claim that he cared so much about me and that he loved spending “quality” time with me. The next thing I knew, he was spending all of his time with “Christy,” who was just his friend, yet he admitted to sleeping with her at the beginning of our relationship. Needless to say, I am no longer dating this no-job-having loser. There is so much more that I would like to tell you about this messed up situation, but the real purpose of this letter is to let all you young women in Athens know that if you happen to meet a short, middle-aged wannabe musician/ comedian/ poet, stay away! And as for you, you know who you are, I just want to say that you ain’t gettin any younger baby, and if you want to make it in the show biz, you need to get some talent first.

Fed Up in Athens

Glad you got that off your chest, Fed, but do you honestly blame the smooth smoothie for this? After you were explicitly told by his own cousin that he was a whore? You need to re-think your whole “benefit of the doubt” philosophy, honey, ‘cause it ain’t workin’ for you. I’m sure the community at large appreciates the warning… though one would hope that there are a limited number who would have been attracted to him in the first place. (“No job, you say? Middle-aged, you say? Talentless? What more can a girl want? How can I reach him?”) Yeah. Thanks for the heads up.

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.