Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published March 8, 2006

We have some concerns about our roommate. She recently began a relationship with a guy whom we consider to be very sketchy. She met him through a friend, “fell in love” through the phone over a one-week period and, consequently, lost her virginity to him a day after they met. Since our roommate has been known to exaggerate occasionally, we tend to have trouble separating fact from fiction with her. According to her, her boyfriend has spent six years in prison for grand theft auto and stabbing a fellow inmate in the neck; he manages some “business,” supposedly restoring old cars, that earns him up to $68,000 in a weekend; and, supposedly, he is a leader of a California gang, with the tattoos to prove it. While this is all quite disturbing, what bothers us most is how possessive and controlling he is of her. He constantly interrogates her about her whereabouts, insists that she is seeing other men and accuses her of not loving him because of her resistance to the idea of having a child (although she has made comments to us that suggest she may be willing to do so and has admitted to having had unprotected sex on at least a couple occasions) while she is in college. Furthermore, he seems to be involving her as a contact between himself and fellow gang members, some of whom are in jail, as we have been able to deduce from voice messages left at our apartment. We don’t believe that she sees the serious implications of his past and future involvements or his controlling attitude toward her. Should we try to talk to her about this situation? How can we, as her roommates, get her to see the danger in this situation without drawing hostile reactions from either her or her boyfriend? Signed,

Scared & Anxious

Tell the bitch to move out. Better yet - you guys move out, and don’t leave a forwarding address. I mean, she obviously has no idea what she’s doing, but you’re not responsible for her. She is clearly enamored of this loser, so no amount of reasoning is going to help. The situation is either dangerous and stupid or total bullshit. Either way, it is not what you signed up for when you agreed to live with her. If you really feel somehow obligated to “help” her (which you shouldn’t if she is just a roommate, by the way), then give her parents a heads up - but not before you’ve changed the locks.

My boyfriend and I broke up about a year ago. It was a very sad and painful time for us both; we had been living together as a couple for over a year. When we parted, my ex-boyfriend told me he always wanted to stay in contact with me, and I agreed to this. I was talking to a girlfriend tonight and mentioned his request to stay in contact with me. She looked at me with amazement; “All he wants is a booty call” was her reply. This really upset me, because, in fact, he had been in contact with me for something similar. I felt really sad that I hadn’t figured out what was so obvious to other people. Is this person right? That the only reason he wants to stay in touch with me is for sex, not for friendship or any other social exchange?

Sick and Used

Well, yeah. Probably. No matter what people think they want when they break up, “staying in touch” is usually a bad idea - at least at first. You have to get some distance from a person before you can truly be friends. Otherwise, good or bad, all the feelings are too fresh. Pain and anger intersect with passion and love, and the next thing you know, you’re telling the guy how much you hated his favorite baseball hat while you’re giving him head in the bathroom at your favorite bar. It’s all in good fun, of course - just for “old times,” blah, blah, blah, and then you call him crying three days later. So no matter what his intentions, you both let that call become a booty call, and the only way to keep it from happening again is to steer clear of him for awhile until you are truly over it. I’m not talking weeks here, either. Try months. Or a year. And don’t bother getting pissed about it now. That will only lead to a fight and then make-up sex, and you’ll feel even more used than you do right now.

Will you please tell my friend that not cheating does not make a guy an ideal boyfriend? Seriously, this girl has so much going for her, and the guy is just a total loser. I know she has been burned in the past, but it’s not like she doesn’t have other options! I feel like she is wasting her life and settling for him just because he is the “safe” choice.

X

I’m not telling your friend shit, X, because she isn’t going to listen to me any more than she listens to you. If she likes the guy and she’s happy, then leave it alone. He may not be ideal, but maybe she’s not an idealist. I know it’s hard to see your friends make mistakes, and it is easy to assume that she is settling, but there’s nothing you can do that won’t just piss her off. You haven’t said anything about him that sets off any alarm bells (words like abusive, criminal or pedophile, for example) so I assume that you just don’t think he is good enough. Though you seem well-intentioned, you really need to just keep your trap shut and let her figure this out for herself.

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button at www.flagpole.com.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button at www.flagpole.com.