Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published February 8, 2006

I need to let go… My (now) ex-wife left me a few years ago. She left me for another man, but she has tried to cover it up by implying that I am crazy (I have been treated for depression), even though I am the one who finished school, got a good job, etc. She has that Southern female skill of being able to act as if she isn’t saying anything while implying volumes, and that’s how she does it. I am not being treated for depression now, and I quit taking the medication some time ago… I have been told that probably she was contributing to my depression because she is negative and controlling. I know she was fooling around before she left me, but she has put all her passive-aggressive wiles into a nasty cover-up. I think it’s so that she can still go to her church and her parents will still give her money. They supported her divorce just as they did her sisters’ divorces; all the ex-spouses in that family are monsters, according to them.

She has been bringing this man around my children since the day she left; it’s really gross and makes me want to puke. She doesn’t communicate with me about the most basic things regarding the children’s school, healthcare, etc. - even though I am the insurance provider. I only know what’s going on because I get the statements in the mail. As a matter of fact, she won’t even look at me or talk to me - she will not meet my eyes. I have had various counselors, psychiatrists, etc. tell me it sounds like she is insane (perhaps a borderline personality), partially because her behavior is vastly different around different groups of people, and because she cuts off people who displease her in any way.

I have done lots of things to try to get better, and I am better, but it’s so hard to let go because she comes between me and my children. I don’t really care that she is with this man so much any more, but she doesn’t communicate with me about the children, and they are always telling me things like, “That’s the kind of cheese dip [the man] buys,” when we are in the grocery store, little things like that. When we were going through the divorce, I tried really hard to keep it out of court, but now I wish I had brought it before a judge. I got the advice that men are pretty much screwed when a woman decides to leave for whatever reason, and I agreed to some things I probably shouldn’t have. I wish I could get the message across to this man and the ex that I am really their best friend. If they want a long weekend, a night on the town, or just a night together without interruption, I am always happy to take care of my own children.

I’ve started a band, I work out, I am good at my job, and my children love me and want to be with me, but somehow, she has still got her hooks in me and bugs me. I can’t understand why she wants to do that - maybe it’s because she is an insane control freak, maybe it’s because I let her. I don’t want to go along with her deception. She wants people to think that she had damn good reasons to leave me, and that only now is she getting together with this man. I know it’s not true. I think my unwillingness to go along with her public deception is the chief reason she feels justified in being angry with me, but I just can’t stomach going along with it, and I don’t think many people believe her anyway. I think she would probably be happier herself if she would admit it and make her peace with me, her parents and her church, but I don’t think she ever will. Somehow, I need to let go so that I can find a woman who I can be really happy with. I am much pickier now than I was in my early 20s when I got married the first time. I know that ultimately I am much better off without this person and her family. I know it fully in my head, but not in my heart. I kind of feel sorry for her boyfriend, because I know that she must be putting a lot of pressure on him to deceive others, and I know how that feels because she did it to me. Signed,

Need To Let Go

What you need is a good lawyer. Find out exactly what your rights are and how you might go about changing the custody you agreed to. You can’t worry about the other guy. (I know that’s easier said than done, but your kids are your kids, and if you are really close to them, you don’t have to worry about feeling replaced.) Not talking to you or looking at you is probably the biggest favor your ex can do for you - the less you have to deal with her, the better. Just don’t let the kids get dragged into the middle. Or rather, don’t you put them in the middle. If she chooses to manipulate them to try and hurt you - let her. Kids are much smarter than most people give them credit for. Even if they don’t see it right now, they will probably look back on what a bitch she was and resent her for it the way that you do now. In the meantime, continue with the stuff you’re doing for yourself, and eventually her grip will loosen. And don’t be afraid to get help if you need it again, even if it’s just for a little while. If she is that crazy, your kids are going to need you.

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.