Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published January 25, 2006

Okay, so my friend is a really great woman: smart, funny and always there for me. There is a problem, however. She is more than a little “outgoing,” and whenever we go out and there is any drinking involved, she immediately starts hitting on men and making kind of an ass of herself. She is an adult, a professional, and she often runs around on weekends wearing clothes that I feel she is too old for (she is over 30 and often wears short shorts and tops that show off her stomach) and /or goes braless (not that she has a big chest, but her nipples are prominent, to say the least). I know she thinks she looks and acts sexy, but frankly, it is just embarrassing and I don’t know how to react. I am in a less “professional” profession, and therefore tend to dress very casually no matter where we go, only dressing up when the occasion requires, and I don’t wear revealing clothing because it is simply not part of my personality. Whenever I suggest to her that she might cover up a bit, she brushes me off as if I’m just too conservative. It’s not that I don’t respect her right to express her individuality, but she is often laughed at behind her back. She has a hard time meeting people and is always complaining that men “just want to fuck her.” Well, what the hell are they supposed to want? I got a lot of looks and a few remarks recently when I brought her (braless) to an art opening. Basically, Jyl, this woman is my friend and I love her, but I find her a little embarrassing at times; I don’t know how to tell her that she is never going to get what she wants unless she presents herself differently. The only response I get is defensive, and she thinks I’m just frumpy, but I have no trouble meeting and making real contact with people - both men and women. I am not trying to toot my own horn at all, mind you. I don’t feel I’m a better person or smarter or whatever. I just want her to see herself the way other people see her, and help her without jeopardizing our friendship. Any advice?

Anonymous

I applaud you for trying, but if she refuses to see reality, then there is nothing much you can do to help your friend. We all see people every day who are apparently either getting dressed in the dark or don’t own a full-length mirror. Some people admire women who wear clothes that are meant for much younger/ smaller/ thinner bodies for having the “guts” to do so. I personally feel that people should try to wear what is flattering to the body they do have, but hey, what the hell do I know? It doesn’t sound like being more direct will help, as she has made it clear that she doesn’t trust or appreciate your opinion on this subject. If you can’t make her see reality, then perhaps you should limit the kinds of situations in which you encounter her. Don’t go out drinking together, and avoid bringing her to events where you will have to suffer from her lack of tact.

As an Ayn Rand lover, I would like to express my concern in your disregard for the worth of her books. They are excellent for fixing a wobbly table (try Anthem) or making a midget taller (try Atlas Shrugged). The Fountainhead, a fine piece, should be reserved for emergency toilet paper or, in desperate situations, a plug for a broken levee. I hope that in the future you will refrain from so nonchalantly disregarding Rand’s worth. (Her other works combine very well for recycled kitty litter.)

Taking a Stand for Rand

You have shown me the light, Randy. While we’re at it, let’s remind people to keep a copy of Atlas Shrugged in the trunk, in order that it may be placed directly behind the rear wheel of your car when it is parked on an incline. Or you can hollow it out and hide your weed in it. But not in the car. That would be bad.

A while back, a woman wrote in and said that she went out looking to get laid, but she had her standards. Could she maybe write back and list or say what her standards are?

Looking For Her

Probably not, Looking, but we can always ask…

Confidential to Faithful: I would say that this guy’s behavior is unlikely to change. Engaged or not, he shouldn’t play mind games with you, and you need to nip this in the bud right now. Think about this: if he’s that bad in front of you (and your 15-year-old sister - eeeew!), how bad do you think he is when you’re not around? I’d say probably much worse, and he probably justifies it by telling himself that since he’s like that in front of you, you know what you are getting into. Don’t even think about going through with a wedding without resolving this. In fact, think hard about not going through with it at all. He clearly doesn’t respect you, and he is counting on you not having enough self respect to leave him. If the promise of marriage isn’t enough for him, then what makes you think the event itself will change anything? Do you think a ring on his finger is going to change a lifetime of assholery? And you said yourself that it runs in the family, right? And his parents have been together how long? I hate to say it honey - actually, no I don’t. This guy sucks and he isn’t ready for marriage, and he probably won’t ever be ready for your version of it. I think you’d better get out now before it’s too late.

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button at www.flagpole.com.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button at www.flagpole.com.