Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published January 18, 2006

My (ex-)boyfriend of a year and a half moved to Atlanta about three months ago. We were in a strange place in our relationship at the time and sorta left things “open.” He wasn’t sure if he wanted me to move there and live with him; I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to be with him. We said it was okay if we dated other people, but NO SEX. It’s ridiculous, I know, and obviously, it didn’t work. About a month after he moved, I slept with someone else and promptly told him. His reaction? “I never want to f*ing talk to you again,” and he hasn’t. That was THREE months ago, and I have turned into a psycho ex-girlfriend. I have called him every single day. He hasn’t picked up once. I’ve called his work screaming and crying. I am now one of those girls I used to make fun of. I am the crazy ex. Officially. And I can’t stop. I don’t know what to do. He’s seeing someone else, tells me there is NO chance for a future, tells me to stop calling, but I don’t. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who I’ve become. I really need advice on how to get over this. Professional help hasn’t helped as of yet. What to do?

Fatal Attraction

Actually, FA, if you cheated on him a month after he left, and that was three months ago, he has been gone for four months. Which is a third of a year. And you are going to have to snap out of it, my friend, because the guy is obviously not smart enough to change his number and go unlisted. If professional help isn’t helping, is it possibly because you haven’t given it enough time? Or, could it be because you’re not participating enough or taking enough responsibility for your behavior? Have you had problems with compulsive behavior in the past, or is it just this particular guy? If this is a pattern of behavior that goes back awhile, it will probably take some time for you to learn to change. In the meantime, be patient and try to work on it. Maybe instead of calling him, you should count to 10 and run around the block or something. Make yourself do something else (something positive, mind you - don’t go pulling an Angelina Jolie and start cutting yourself) until you stop thinking about it. Treat it like you’re quitting smoking. Don’t say, “I’ll never call him again.” Tell yourself that you are going to go a whole day without calling him and do it. Then go another, and then maybe a week, or whatever. If you find that professional help still isn’t helping in a month or two, maybe you need more or different help. Believe me, this is not about the guy. It is about you and about compulsive behavior, and if you seriously feel that powerless (and it’s not just a convenient excuse so you can act out however and whenever you want), then you need as much help as you can get. In the mean time, there is no “relationship patch,” so you’re going to have to figure out how to wean yourself from this thing. Just take it a day at a time. Also, have you considered shutting off your phone for awhile? Just a thought.

I have a problem I think a lot of guys would kill for. It takes me about a half-hour to an hour of intercourse to achieve orgasm. I guess this would be cool, but I’m currently seeing a woman who has a problem with birth control making her ill. Thus I must wear a condom every time we have sex. With the amount of stimulation I normally need, the condom is seriously hampering my sex life. I feel like I’m insulting my woman when I lose wood here. I’ve tried different styles of condom but nothing seems to work. I really like my girlfriend, but the lack of a fulfilling sex life is starting to wear on us both (well… me more than her, but you get my drift). What can I do here?

I Need A Year’s Supply Of Spanish Fly

Hey Flyboy, has it occurred to you that you could come without intercourse? Or even after it? I hate to state the obvious, but you sound like you haven’t quite mastered it, so here goes: get your girl off first, then take off the condom and either finish yourself off or let her finish you off. Voila! Everybody gets theirs! Not complicated at all - you just have to be more creative, which can lead to more fun. Plenty of women get sick from birth control pills, and since nobody seems interested in making one that men can use, you’re going to have to make some sacrifices. Sorry, man.

What the hell are men so afraid of? Why can’t you sleep with a guy and then call him up to go out again without him assuming you’re trying to move in and picking out kids’ names? Am I seriously the only woman in the world who can handle a casual relationship? I’m not pissed about being blown off, by the way. I’m just sick of being treated like a stalker when I’m just looking for somebody to hang out with. I seriously had a guy tell me recently that he thought I was “too into him.” I couldn’t stop laughing long enough to tell him to fuck off, but I think he got the message. Anyway - any advice?

Unsigned

In answer to your first question, see this week’s first letter. While it is true that men often overreact to advances from women, it is also true that people don’t always mean what they say. Especially when they say, “I don’t want anything serious.” No, you are not the only woman in the world capable of having a casual relationship, but you are a rare jewel. I don’t know what to tell you except that you are going to have to keep looking and keep being honest, and eventually you will either find a guy who gets it, or find a guy who you really like who really likes you back.

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.