Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published November 30, 2005

I have to take issue with your advice to Unjolly Green Giant. You tell her that she has to be comfortable being alone before she can get a guy, but if she is comfortable being alone then she won’t need one, right? I mean, doesn’t that seem kind of ass backwards to you? I don’t think her comfort with being alone has anything to do with it. And getting comfortable with yourself doesn’t automatically guarantee getting comfortable with other people. She wants romance! And lots of people want that. So why are you calling her desperate? That’s mean and unfair. Don’t people get a little desperate after they’re alone for a long time? It’s like you’re blaming her for being alone. Isn’t it possible that she really is as great as she says and that other people just don’t fucking get it? And what makes you think she’s a stalker? Just because somebody tries to be friendly with somebody they may or may not know very well does not mean they are necessarily at fault. You should try helping people instead of being such a judgmental bitch.

Over It

You sound a little defensive, honey. Did I hit close to home? Look, I was not accusing UGG of anything. I don’t know her personally, and I don’t think a 100-word letter renders me capable of a simple answer. I was merely trying to get UGG to ask herself some questions, and hopefully be honest in answering.

Being comfortable with yourself is not the same as not needing or wanting a partner. The truth is if you can’t see yourself in a good light, you shouldn’t expect anybody else to. And while she said she has been called too tall, too intelligent, too loving and too pretty, she never said that she thought of herself as any of these things. What she did say was that “EVERY man” she has been interested in has been uninterested. And that means she is either not being interested often enough, thereby limiting her chances for success, or there is something else going on.

By referring to her height in an unflattering way, she gave away her big insecurity: her height. Okay, well, the good news is I have had the experience of having a best friend for almost 30 years who is six feet tall. And aware of it to the point of being, possibly, a little sensitive about it, despite the fact that she is the kind of hot that makes people turn around and stare at her when she walks into a room (sorry if I’m embarrassing you Tree, but I’m trying to help somebody out here). So from her and several other above-average-in-height women I have known, I can tell you this: most men don’t care. Unless they are short and insecure about being short, no man is going to steer clear of a pretty, intelligent, loving woman simply for being too goddamned vertical. Therefore, I can only guess that there are things that UGG is doing that are interfering with her success. The reference to Valentine’s Day is a big red flag, as most people don’t think about that until at least after Christmas. Focusing on that day in particular is a clear indication that somebody is reading too many “women’s” magazines and watching too much Lifetime. And while being comfortable alone doesn’t automatically translate into a fabulous social life, not being comfortable with yourself (and by yourself) almost certainly dooms your social life. I never called UGG a stalker, OI. But when a person sounds desperate, they often act desperate, and that doesn’t lead to success in the relationship department either. I wasn’t judging UGG; I was trying to get UGG to see herself the way that others see her.

How can you tell Would Be Dad that he has to “respect his wife’s decision” not to have children? He married the woman and he wants to have kids. He obviously thought she did, too, or he wouldn’t have married her, and now she changed her mind and he just has to live with it? That’s bullshit. Having or not having children is just as much the man’s decision as it is the woman’s.

Name Withheld

It’s not WBD’s wife’s fault if “he thought” she wanted kids, too. He obviously never asked her, because the issues that she has are not the kind that suddenly crop up - we’re talking family history here, not a level red terror threat. While I agree that both men and women should have a choice in the matter of whether or not to have children, I also believe that this is a common sense issue: don’t marry somebody who doesn’t want kids (or isn’t sure) if you are sure that you do. We’re not talking about what color to paint the living room or what kind of plates you want. This is a huge, life-altering choice that needs to be discussed before vows are exchanged. Period.

I am one of the social suicide bombers participating in the Moustache Awareness Month Contest, but every time I look into the mirror I almost punch myself in the face, then remember that behind that sparsely stubbled upper lip, is me. I also have a blind date next week. I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it through the contest; I’m not eating for fear of getting particles stuck on the ‘stache. Jyl, should I stay or should I go now?

S.B.

If you go SB, there will be trouble. On the other hand, if you stay it will be double. I say do what you feel. I’m sure that the mustache club sounded fun and funny when your friends brought it up, and now it just seems like some sort of dare, and you don’t wanna be the guy who pusses out, right? But think of it this way: aren’t you more of a puss for going along with something you don’t want to do just because that’s what everybody else is doing? Better be careful, hon. You’re on a slippery slope headed straight for mullet-and-a-sweatbandville.

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.