Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published November 23, 2005

I recently found porn my boyfriend stashed under my couch. (We don’t live together.) It was sorta clichéd in that he was laying on my couch, eating fast food, watching TV, while I was trying to clean my living room after a long day of working and studying. (The Norman Rockwell of my childhood.) I went to sweep under said couch and out pops the porn. He was sooooo embarrassed, but I laughed out loud when he told me that he bought it for the articles. I asked him if I had a Post-it note on my forehead stating: “I’m a stupid bitch!” Anyway, I don’t really care if he looks at/ reads porn magazines at his house. But they do offend me and I don’t want them in my house. He knows this. We’ve had conversations about this. But there it lay under my couch for what appeared to have been quite awhile. I think what makes me mad is the fact that he knew that bringing a porn magazine into my house would offend me, so he decided to do it anyway and hide it under my couch. I guess it’s not the magazine as much as the act. It’s been a couple of days now and I’m having a really hard time getting over it. I’m actually questioning the validity of our relationship. I’m asking myself questions like, “What else does he hide?” So any advice to help me get past this would be great. Thanks,

Miss Chill Out Or Get Out

This isn’t about one particular porn magazine. It’s about the fact that you have already talked about it, you made a very specific request, and he defied your wishes. You were not being unreasonable by asking him not to bring it into your house. You were more than cool about it and he still lied. Dump this loser and move on.

I have been dating the same guy for a really long time (almost a decade). I never really felt pressured about marriage or children until recently. I work around a lot of people who have nothing better to do than talk about what they’re “conning” their husbands into buying for them, or “naughty” things they think about that would scandalize (not even close) their husbands, etc. So they keep asking me what my deal is, and why I’m not married, etc., etc. They also compare the sizes of their diamonds and are constantly giving me advice about what I need to “hold out” for. Needless to say, this is insipid and annoying, but it is a place where I spend upwards of 40 hours a week, and although I am embarrassed to admit it, it is starting to influence me a little. On top of that, most of my friends seem to be having kids these days, and I am starting to wonder when all of this will happen for me. Is there a “guy” timeline? Because all these women seem to have things plotted out in a way that I can’t possibly fathom, and yet they all seem to be on the same one. Am I weird? Should I start hinting around, or should I get over it?

Water Cooler Blues

Oh honey, I am so sorry. The water cooler is a terrifying and awful place to be. You haven’t said much about your relationship, though. I mean, have you talked about marriage with the guy at all? Do you (I should say did you) even want to get married? And what about kids? I assume that at some point in a 10-year relationship, the subject has to have come up at some point. If you haven’t talked about this stuff, then you should. Right away. Not because the people at work need to know, but because whether you like it or not, now you need to know. Don’t hint around with a guy you have had a relationship with for 10 years, that’s juvenile. And for god’s sake don’t start counting carats and calculating a month’s salary if you’ve never been that kind of girl before. Just do what you want, because it’s what you want, not what other people expect. In the meantime, you might start studying up on your celebrity gossip. God knows your co-workers are not likely to have anything important to say, and the latest on Brad and/ or Jen might just deflect some of their bullshit from you.

I am in my mid-40s and work in an office environment. The thing is we have this new intern who is straight out of high school and she is flirting with me like you wouldn’t believe. I’ve never really been the object of too much female attention and I must admit it is driving me crazy (she leaves notes on my desk for Christ’s sake!). I can’t sleep at night, can’t eat and lord knows I can’t think straight. I really need some advice, but I don’t know who to turn to.

Unsigned

Straight out of high school?! Are you kidding? Even if the girl is legal, how on earth do you see this ending happily? Have you never seen American Beauty for crying out loud? Obviously you don’t have a daughter, or this wouldn’t even be a question. Do you have a niece? A sister? A conscience? Any type of flirtation with somebody that young, especially in an office environment, is totally inappropriate - not to mention creepy. You need to tell this girl that despite your being flattered, she’s got to stop with the notes and the nonsense. While she may be technically an adult, this girl is obviously immature. She doesn’t even know what she wants. Therefore, you need to put a stop to this before it gets you both in trouble. Think about it: all creepiness aside, how do you think an affair with a girl like that would play at work?

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.