Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published November 16, 2005

I've been a commitment kind of person all of my life. There was no logic or thought process to it; it just happened. When I've tried to even casually date more than one person at a time, I'd freak out. Then I just pick the one with the most potential and see where it went. At the same time, I have also been in the position where I wasn't dating anyone and a particular girl might show interest, but I wasn't really interested long-term. So, I'd explain that and with that being out in the open, the girl would either back off or suggest that being casual is no problem. Usually I'd say that I wasn't into the casual thing and that would be it. But then I considered that I might be taking the whole thing too seriously, and why not just have some fun? So, I'd try to be casual about it knowing that it would be temporary. Since it was two consenting adults with everything on the table, I didn't really see a problem with it. Inevitably, I'd realize that despite what she said, the casual thing was not okay with her. The serious questions and conversations would soon start and I'd have no answers except to repeat what I had told her in the beginning. It really bothered me. I felt that it wasn't necessarily my fault, but the fact that I had a hand in hurting someone would eat me up inside. So, finally, I just stopped dating anyone unless I felt it had real potential. And since then, I've passed up opportunities to go out even just for fun because I knew that the girl wasn't the one for me and I couldn't stand the idea of something going wrong and then feeling like shit. So, am I taking this too seriously? Does the casual thing ever work? It seems to me that one person always ends up liking the other in a more serious way and getting hurt. What do you think?

First of all, you have to stop feeling shitty about casual stuff that didn't work out. I know plenty of chicks who don't get it when guys are honest with them, and they only have themselves to blame. I wish I could count the number of times I have heard, "He has to care about me or he wouldn't be sleeping with me, right? Why would he keep calling?" The answer of course being that he keeps calling because he keeps getting laid. You are obviously a moral person, which is fine, but yeah, you are probably overthinking things a bit. The casual thing does work sometimes. And if you continue passing up dating opportunities, you may be passing up somebody who is really right for you without ever getting to know them. Just relax a little and keep your options open, but also try to be aware of where the other person is emotionally, and nip it in the bud if you're not on the same page. Of course people might get hurt, but that's all part of the game.

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I have been seeing a girl for close to a year, and when we have sex, once in a while, I'm able to bring her to "orgasm." Afterwards, we will immediately continue to have sex until I have one too. The last girlfriend I had (and every other person I've been lucky enough to sleep with, including myself) after having an orgasm, would become very sensitive, and lose all desire to continue for at least a half hour. I've cracked jokes (good naturedly, of course) after sex with my current girlfriend that I suspect that she may be putting on a little bit of a show, but she claims it's all genuine. I know it's not really that big of a deal, but I'm wondering if it's possible for a woman to have an orgasm and continue having sex without missing a beat.

Curious George

It is possible to keep going, CG. And it is also possible that she is faking. But since you've asked and she has denied it, I don't know what else you can do. Maybe if you're worried you should get her off first? Or instead of asking her directly (which she might feel pressure about), keep working on her after you've gotten off. It's either that or you're just going to have to believe her. If she's not really getting off, she obviously doesn't mind or she would let you finish it.

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I have been married for just over a year to a fine woman, but there is unhappiness in her background. She is the middle of three siblings. Her older brother is a university professor. Her younger brother is in prison for serious criminal offences. She is afraid to have children, lest a child have the bad genes of the younger brother. How can I convince her that this is not likely to happen?

Would-Be Dad

Are you out of your mind?! How could you marry somebody when you can't agree with them about whether or not to have kids? Whether you believe in nature or nurture, there are no guarantees where children are concerned. Despite all of your efforts and whatever precautions you take, what you get is what you get. This is true whether you have your own or you adopt. Your kid could end up mentally or physically handicapped, aggressive, gay, depressed - hell, they might even turn around and rush a fraternity one day. Bottom line is, don't try to convince your wife that you are going to have a "good kid." The only thing you can decide on is how you are going to handle whatever comes your way. And if she's not willing to take that chance, you have to respect her decision.

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.