Matters Of The Heart & Loins
Reality Check
Matters of the Heart and Loins
originally published February 16, 2005
I am a twenty-something with a question about a matter of my heart and loins. When I was with my first boyfriend, we had sex almost every day. Post breakup, I did the rebound thing for about two weeks. Following that, I remained completely abstinent. I am currently dating a guy that I've been with for a little over a year. At first, we were sexually active (the first sex I'd had in nearly three years). Around the four month mark, I began to lose interest in any sexual activity. My guy and I ended up breaking up because I assumed that I was not sexually attracted to him. While apart, I fooled around a little and realized that I was not at all interested in any man. Thinking I might be lesbian, I decided to experiment with a girlfriend. That turned out to be a failure as well. It seemed as though I was not attracted to anyone. After a few weeks and a long talk with my boyfriend, we decided to get back together. After six months of being back together, I am still uninterested in sex (with him or anyone else). We've tried all sorts of different things in bed, but I am almost always indifferent. I read that depression can cause reduced sexual interest, but I'm the happiest I've ever been. Apart from trying new things and not taking any kind of medication, what can cure my unwanted abstinence? Signed,
Too Much Abstinence Education?
There are plenty of reasons why people lose their sex drive. Are you getting enough sleep? Do you exercise? (Vigorous exercise, like running, aerobics, etc. is known to boost the libido.) Could it possibly be your diet? There are many foods and herbs that have been considered natural aphrodisiacs for years. For example, I recently read about a study done at the University of Michigan that suggested regular coffee drinkers are more likely to be more sexually active. Chocolate and cocoa have also been tossed about as likely candidates, but what I read suggested that these were more likely to encourage feelings of love than of lust. And at UC San Francisco, gingko was found to help people who were suffering sexual side effects from anti-depressant medication. It was, however, used over an extended period of time; it's not like an aspirin. Ginkgo is available in pill form at most drug and health food stores. Other things that might be affecting you: smoking, drinking, stress. It could be a million things. Try making some adjustments to your lifestyle, and if that doesn't work, it may be time to look for professional help. Just because you aren't depressed doesn't mean that your libidinal problems aren't in your head.
Jyl, I am hoping you can give me some of your sage-like advice. I have huge problems forming a relationship with a girl past being friends. I make friends pretty easily and would say I am a pretty likable guy by both sexes. Alas I have a phone full of numbers of friends who are girls, but no girlfriend. A friend trying to set me up recently described me as being timid around girls, which I would agree is an accurate observation. I don't get particularly nervous or flustered around girls, it's just that I don't have any clue what to do or say to get from the batter's box to first base. To complete the analogy, I can hit the ball just fine, but instead of advancing to first, I run to the pitchers mound and hang out. I am forever getting stuck in the quagmire which is the friend zone. How do I get a girl to realize I want to make out, not hang out?
Hopelessly Single
The fact that you have so many female friends is a good sign, but it can be confusing. After all, how is a girl to know that you don't think of her as one of them? You have to make your intentions known. Don't just ask if a girl wants to hang out; Ask her if she wants to go out with you. Bring her a flower, make her dinner, or do something more romantic than you would with one of your friends. And while you're at it, ask your chick friends for pointers. They know you better than I do, so they can tell you where you're going wrong.
I couldn't help notice the "Clueless & Alone" letter in your column, although you are not a dating column. This is a similar problem I have, here in Athens. I'm single (never married), slightly younger in age than her, no kids. And not a bad looking guy if I say so myself. If you print this I would like to let her know I would like to meet her (if she's interested) on Saturday, Feb. 12 at Starbuck's, 10 a.m. (RED SHIRT). If she's not interested she can turn around and walk away.
Single in Athens
Of course I have no way of knowing if this is some kind of stupid joke, which it might be, in which case I'm sorry to Clueless and Alone for putting this out there. On the other hand, it may be totally sincere and C&A will not be able to read it in time, in which case I apologize to SIA for getting his hopes up. I guess I just find this a little intriguing, so I'm throwing it out there to see what happens. If you could contact me more personally so I can check to see that you're a real person and not just some sicko, SIA, you are more likely to get a good response. There is also the possibility that C&A may not see this at all, but that some other lovely lady may be interested and write in. I know this isn't really in the job description, but this problem seems to be prevalent enough to warrant at least trying to help. If one of you could keep me posted, that would be great.
Jyl Inov
Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.
Jyl Inov
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Reality Check
Matters of the Heart and Loins
originally published February 9, 2005
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