Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published May 5, 2004

Hey, Solecism Girl, it's "rocket science," not "rocket surgery." Or is it possible you have a boyfriend whom you wish would have some rocket surgery?
Old Friend

Hey, "Buddy"* - That was a fucking joke, get it? It's called "sarcasm." Look it up. If I had used a worn-out cliché like "rocket scientist" in the context of that question, I would sound like you. And for Pete's sake get over the cock size fixation already, will ya? It's as tired as the bi-racial bullshit.

Okay, so I have a friend who has a really hot wife. She is straight, and I used to think I was too, but every time I see her all I can think about is taking her panties off and having my way with her. I have never told my friend or his wife, or for that matter, my boyfriend (I am in a very committed relationship myself), but I am DYING to see this woman naked. We're all friends, and as couples we socialize pretty often. What should I do to get the ball rolling? Or should I keep my fantasy to myself? Sincerely,
Talkin' About Wife Swappin'!!

Well, WS, are you planning on actually swapping your boy for this guy's wife? Or do you just want to "get down" as a foursome? Or are you suggesting that the boys stay out of it? Figure out exactly what you want first, and then broach the subject with your guy before you do anything. Next, consider the fact that while you are obviously a very open person, your friend and/ or his wife may find this prospect completely creepy. I mean, do you have any idea how straight she is? Or how adventurous they are as a couple? You might want to get some more information as casually as possible before you blurt out anything that could end your friendship. If y'all already socialize, it shouldn't be that hard. I've found that many (if not most) people will tell you almost anything about their sex lives after a few glasses of red wine, whether you ask them or not. Investigate a little that way, and if it seems feasible, then go for it. As long as you're not worried about risking the friendship, it can't hurt to ask. Also keep in mind that if you do go forward with the interlude, you should set boundaries before hand so nobody gets upset. Make sure you know what your boyfriend is comfortable with before you get him into this, and make sure you know what your friends want so you don't ruin their marriage in the process, too.

My girlfriend and I have been together for over two years, and she is always complaining that I'm not romantic enough. The thing is, I really like her, but I am not comfortable with PDA, and I find candy and flowers to be kind of corny. I really like her, and I don't want to lose her, but I'm just not a Hallmark kind of guy. What can I do for her that's romantic and not totally cliché?
Clueless

Why not try cooking for her? Kick out any roommates or family members for a night, clean up your place, and make a romantic meal. If you can't cook, get some take-out. Draw a bath (maybe with rose petals or some bath salts?), light some candles - you get the picture. Also, consider making a card. Not necessarily for an occasion, maybe just to remind her how cool you think she is. Hand-made stuff is the best. Go to a photo booth and take some goofy pictures of yourself, or scan some from a special occasion that you shared. Make her cookies. Or buy her something small but cool, something that shows how well you know her and you know what she likes. Is she a vintage type of girl? Buy her a cool old vase or lamp at a junk shop. What about a book by her favorite author? You could also search the Internet for a signed copy. Get a record by her favorite band - or make her a mix CD. Make her a journal. It doesn't have to be expensive, just personal. Let her know you're paying attention.

A couple of weeks ago, I got drunk and went home with a co-worker of mine. She was also a little tipsy, and she was definitely the pursuer, and I must admit I was quite surprised, as I had no idea that she was interested in me. It was fine - fun, I mean, but nothing that I necessarily wish to repeat. She, on the other hand, has been more aggressive of late, indicating that she is anxious for another round, as it were. How do I tell her I'm not interested without hurting her feelings? It's not that I don't like her as a friend, it's just that the evening in question was a good indication that she isn't really my type.
Moment of Weakness

Weak, you're just going to have to be honest. Not necessarily brutal, but honest. In other words, it's okay to say that you had fun and that you like her as a friend and that you don't want to pursue a relationship - sexual or otherwise. It is probably better, though, if you don't go into great detail about why. Did she give lousy head? Don't tell her that. Were you scared off by filthy bed sheets, or a scary pair of "sexy" panties? Was it the doll collection? The handcuffs and leather, or lack thereof? Don't mention it. I say this because if you make an excuse like that, she will try to explain it or change it or whatever, and it could be potentially humiliating. If you're polite but firm, she'll eventually drop it and you can go back to just working together.

* Quotes to indicate sarcasm, for the sarcastically impaired.

Jyl Inov

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