Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published April 7, 2004

How do you deal with inappropriate crushes? I have a huge crush on my boyfriend's best friend, and I know he feels the same. We've never discussed it, nor have we ever acted on it, but it's always there. It's getting hard to hide that I'm excited about seeing him when we all get together, and I have to watch it so I don't give away to my boyfriend how much time I spend thinking about this guy. I love my boyfriend and would never do anything to hurt him or fuck up our relationship (we've been together eight years), but I can't seem to control my feelings for his friend. Any suggestions?
Torn

Torn, I suggest that you consider how easy it is to be attracted to somebody when you don't have to deal with him much. Okay, so you know the guy pretty well, and he's really cool, and funny, and he knows your boyfriend well, so you probably get sympathy from this guy when your boyfriend does or says something stupid, right? And he is probably single, and you are probably one of the coolest chicks he knows, and he probably talks to you sometimes when he has girl trouble, right? But think about this: you have never had a fight with him, or felt alienated by him, or had to put up with his family, or his dirty clothes on the floor for the third time that week. He has never made you cry, or forgotten your birthday, or failed to notice your new haircut, or done anything else that your boyfriend may or may not have done. Why? Because he hasn't had the chance. Because you have a boyfriend. That's the thing about relationships. You have to take the good and bad. And your superficial relationship with this guy makes it very easy for you to idealize him, not only for the things you like, but for all the things you don't know that you might not like, get it? If you have been in a relationship for eight years, then things are obviously going well for you and the boyfriend. Don't fuck it up over something like this.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years. I know I love him, but I am not sure if I am in love with him. Do you understand that? Anyway, we used to have sex all the time, but as time has gone, so have the times we have sex. Recently, when we have sex I can only reach the O if I have fantasize about something or somebody else, whether it is a different person or imagining a different situation. Is this wrong? Does it mean that the relationship is dying or that it might be a different stage in the "relationship"?
Confused in Love

Sounds like your relationship has officially reached the "comfortable" stage. The question is, are you so comfortable with each other that you are staying together because it's easier than being single, or because you love him and you can't imagine your life without him in it? Are you having less sex because you lack the time and energy, or because you don't really care anymore? Fantasizing about different situations is okay, but couldn't you try to create a different situation instead? If you really care and you want it to work, then talk to him and try to work it out. Maybe get out of town for a couple days, or at least have some quality time alone together. That should help you figure things out. If you are just going through the motions, then get out, or you are being unfair to him and to yourself.

Recently I was at the Taco Stand with one of my male friends. We were picking on each other jokingly when he made the comment, "At least I don't have a fat girl's name." Now, normally I'm one who can take a joke and dish it back at you twice as fast, but this comment left me speechless. After catching my breath, I asked him, "What do you mean a fat girl's name?" And he casually retorted, "Yeah, a fat girl's name. Y'know, like Tammy, Donna, Jodie, Julie, etc...." Well Jyl, I didn't know what he meant. He explained to me that there are certain girl names that guys hear and immediately think, FAT GIRL!! I had never heard such a thing in my life, let alone knew that I had one. My problem is this... After asking some of my other friends about "fat girl names," they all knew exactly what I was talking about. Now I have this panic attack anytime someone asks me my name or when I have to write it down for someone. I know this is such a preposterous subject to get wound up about, but I can't seem to let it go. My friend who originally made the comment has been very apologetic about the whole thing and I'm not mad and never was mad at him about it. I feel like someone is just over my shoulder ready to bust out laughing at me at every introduction. I get panicky every day in all of my classes out of fear the teacher may call on me by name. I'm not about to change my name over this, and I'm not even overweight. Jyl, what can I do?
Sincerely, Hating My Parents Right Now

You officially get the "so dumb I feel the need to print it" award for the week. For the record, Claire is a fat girl's name - remember Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club? And your friends sound like real rocket surgeons. Great. Now go have another fucking pitcher of Bud Light and shut up.

I noticed you've been getting some undeserved slack from Flagpole readers in this week's column (March 17). They think you're "self-righteous" and that you use porn websites to help you answer problems? That's such shit. It took me a little while to get used to your blunt smart-ass style, but now that I have, I think you're really good at what you do and I agree with you more often than not. You're sensitive and tough in the just the right way. I look forward to reading your column every week. Thanks for giving good advice that's not sappy and stupid.

Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I did need to fill a little space, so thanks. Now I can go to bed.

Jyl Inov

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