Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published March 24, 2004

Okay, tell me, what is the big deal about fetishes - everyone has their personal likes and dislikes, right? What is groovy for one person is dull to another, right? So when does being turned on by a girl's cute soft feet become a fetish? Or if she is turned on by wearing tight restrictive underwear, is that a fetish? Or is it just that fetishes have become trendy now, so everyone needs one?

Being turned on by tight restrictive underwear is not necessarily a fetish; rather it is more of a sexual preference. This is because tight restrictive underwear is directly related to the genitals, and those are quite naturally sexual. Cute, soft feet, on the other hand, are not traditionally sexual, and therefore being turned on by them would be considered a fetish. Basically, when you have a habitual erotic response to an object or a part of the body that doesn't include genitals, you've got a fetish. Are they trendy? I don't know. I doubt that most people understand the difference between preferences and fetishes. For example, I love house plants, but I don't get horny every time I step into the greenhouse at the Home Depot. And a habit, such as buying shoes you don't need and will probably never wear, or collecting records that are out of print, does not a fetish make.

A good friend of mine and I have started sleeping together recently. We haven't told anyone about it yet because we're not sure exactly where we want it to go. It's been good arrangement because we're so comfortable around each other, but I'm starting to have reservations. I know he isn't sleeping with anyone but me, but I still get insanely jealous whenever he hangs out with another girl (even if there is nothing between them). I don't want to feel this way because it creates this new kind of tension I don't want between us. I don't know how to confront him about it because it's my problem and I don't want to ruin the friendship that we had before all the new complications. How should I tell him how I feel without scaring him off?
Sad and Green

Don't be Sad just because you are Green. But do understand that you have developed feelings that are not just going to go away, and you need to address them - the sooner the better. You said that nobody knows because "we're not exactly sure where we want it to go." Bullshit. You want it to go forward, and you need to see if he feels the same way. The "new kind of tension" you speak of is obviously going to happen when you sleep with somebody that you are friends with. That's probably why the two of you never did it before, right? Well, now you're already there, and the only thing you can do is confess your feelings and your desires and hope for the best. You don't have to drop a big "I'm in love with you and I need to know where you stand right now" speech on him, but you should at least try to broach the subject of furthering your relationship somehow. And don't be afraid to admit that you are jealous of the other chicks and that you know it's irrational, etc. If you're already friends, then don't get all weird and start pretending. Just be you, because that's who he was attracted to in the first place.

Why don't I ever see any questions in your column?
Um, is it because you're blind? Or you can't read? Or you don't understand punctuation? There. That's three.

Hi, Jyl. I've been with my man for a looong time. Years. In all that time, I may have had suspicions, but I never caught him lying to me, nor did he ever confess to lying to me about anything. Well, recently something happened... something with another woman. Things got out of hand and he was forced into confessing it to me in order to save me from finding out from other sources. Several days went by between the act and the confession. Now, the details of what happened aren't so important. The fact is, he lied to me and he acted normally for several days and I never had a clue. Not an iota of a clue. He moaned and cried and promised he'd never lie to me again... but not only has my trust in him been shaken to the core... my trust in myself to see through bullsh*t has been annihilated. I've started second-guessing our entire relationship. He could've been lying to me for years about god-knows-what, and I'd never have known. I'd never have known about this cheating episode if he'd not been stuck in a corner. Academically, I know I expect too much from myself... I'm not psychic. I also know the definition of trust and how difficult it is to do. But emotionally, all that means nothing! My question is this. How do I go about rebuilding my trust in him and also be okay with the fact that I don't have the ability to protect myself from deception? I feel so vulnerable! Hope you can help, or maybe just understand. Signed,
Bewildered and Betrayed

BB, there's a good chance that if you were right this time, then you have been right before. And if he is such a good liar, then you have no guarantee that it won't happen again. You have to decide what is more important to you: staying in this relationship or being absolutely sure. Because you will never be absolutely sure again, and that is going to be a problem. You talk about rebuilding trust, but it sounds like you never really had it (at least not for a long time). Maybe instead of asking yourself how, you should ask yourself why. Why stay with a guy you don't trust? Why second-guess yourself and walk around feeling vulnerable and stupid? No matter what you decide, I suggest you seek some professional help, a mediator might be just what the two of you need. If you can't get him to go with you, then you should go yourself. Sounds like you could use a trained sympathetic ear.

Jyl Inov

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