Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published March 17, 2004

Hey Jyl, is it depressing writing such a repetitive and boring column, or do you just like to think your pathetic bloated life is important to anyone, except worn-out cliché people like yourself. The self-righteous self-help diva shtick went out in 1998. A liberal advice column is necessary, your tired "look-ma-no-hands" style is not. People's questions are usually pretty interesting, leave your ego out and maybe your answers could be. Love,
Wicked Awesome Extremo

Since you are obviously a reader of my column (albeit a confused one), does that make you a "worn out cliché person" like me? Sounds like you are the one with the ego problem, big guy. Is the problem that I bruised yours and now you're mad? Aw, poor baby. And now you're going to write a daring, scathing letter (or five) to show me just how smart you are and how stupid I am? Well, check and mate honey. I am going back to my pathetic bloated life.

I am seeing a guy who is great in bed, but I'm quite sure he is also seeing someone else. Should I confront him and demand that he make a choice between us, or should I just keep quiet and enjoy what I have?
Half A Loaf

Are you satisfied with your current situation? If you are, then no harm done. If you aren't, then ask him about it and see if he is interested in a more exclusive relationship. And if he's not, move on. I don't think "demand" comes into play here, since you obviously have no agreement as yet.

I saw where you wrote that you enjoy surfing the Internet for porn. Is that where you get your ideas of love?

Yep, Internet porn and my special "Mickey Rourke Movie Nights" with the girls. Nothing like 9 1/2 Weeks followed by Barfly to make a woman hot, horny, and downright sentimental.

I've only come once during sex, and that was eight months ago. I've tried everything - every position, lots of clit stimulation, lubes, even seen a psychologist. I took the psychologist's advice and decided to just "be more in the moment" and "let go," but after trying all of that and still having no success, I feel like giving up. My boyfriend and I have talked about using a vibrator during sex. I don't have one, but I want one for my own personal use. I feel like it would be uncomfortable for us to put it on my clit while he's on top. I also don't get much out of touching myself when we're doing it doggie-style. What are some ways you suggest using a vibrator during intercourse?

You should probably try a vibrator that is specifically designed for use during intercourse. There are several different models of two basic ideas. One has a ring attachment- soft rubber so as to be one size fits most- with a clit stimulator. He wears it and you rub against it, get it? This is only going to work if you are facing each other. They come in all different shapes and colors, from dolphins to bunnies to rockets. The other type of hands-free vibrator has straps that go around your thighs. Again, the styles and colors vary, but the idea is the same: Leave your hands free for other things. Since this style attaches to you instead of your partner, the vibes stay with you no matter what position you find yourself in. They tend to be a bit more costly, but if you haven't gotten off in eight months, I'll bet it would be worth every penny. Check them out at babeland.com, or wherever fine vibrating toys are sold.

My boyfriend is jealous of my vibrator. At first he was all into the idea - we even shopped for it together, and then we got it home and used it and it's like he totally turned on me! It's not like I'm a goddamn addict or anything. I seriously wanted him to use it with me. And when he did, it seems like he just couldn't handle it. He got all upset and even suggested that I like it better! Now I wish I hadn't ever bought the thing, especially because it was very expensive. I liked it but I could not reassure him that I did not like it better than him. Am I wrong to feel like he somehow tricked me? Am I supposed to get rid of it now?
Batteries Included

Let me start by saying that although your boyfriend is being a pussy, he is not the first of his kind to react negatively in said circumstances. I don't think he is trying to be tricky, however. It is more likely that he just didn't realize how said adult toy might make him feel. Or rather, how he would feel about how it makes you feel. The biggest issue here is trust. If the two of you are in a good relationship, a $90 hunk of wires and silicone shouldn't be enough to end the whole thing. The first thing I would do is leave it alone for awhile - at least while he's around. And when you do bring it back out, explain to him that if you didn't feel close to him you wouldn't be able to share such a toy with him, and that as much as you enjoy said toy, it is no replacement for a whole person. Put it this way: Does your boyfriend masturbate? Does he look at porn? If he does, and you allow him these things, even though they aren't directly related to you, then it's the same thing, right? And you aren't threatened by these things, right?
If he doesn't jerk off, then he should start right away, and if you can't make him do it then dump him and maybe he will figure it out for himself. Then you can have all the fun you want with your new vibrator and you won't have to listen to him whine about it.

Jyl Inov

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