originally published January 7, 2009

I have a very hard time thinking about things of a sexual nature when I masturbate. I have a clear image in my mind of what I enjoy sexually, and there is usually something that perks my interest that starts my hand-to-panties motion (rather than boredom alone). After a minute or two, I find that my mind's attention is diverted to a book I am reading, what thing I left off the grocery list, and so on and so on... I try watching porn, which helps keep my mind focused, but it doesn't really do it for me. I have had this problem since puberty and have tried toys and pornography. Still, nothing really seems to do the trick. I honestly don't mind not having sex (just haven't had the appetite recently), but not being able to get off at all is really troubling. Sometimes I spend the better part of an hour trying until I give up or settle for a mediocre orgasm. My life overall is quite simple and free of stress. What can you tell the girl whose problem is not cold feet but frigid hands?

Happy Holidays,

Cute Little Indie Type

As they say on YouTube, CLIT, read a book. Your mind can wander in too many directions on its own, even with visual stimuli, but reading a book forces you to focus in a different way. There are all kinds of genres in erotica, too, so you shouldn’t have a hard time finding some that suits you. You’re probably better off going to a bookstore so you don’t have to rely on reviews and titles, but if you’re too shy you can always find some good stuff online. Happy (one-handed) reading!

I would actually like to comment to the submission from "In Love and Can't Say It." Jyl, you hit the nail right on the head! I dated, not one, but several guys who displayed the same behavior. It is worth it to look for someone who doesn't "high tail-it" when you express your feelings. You also shouldn't stay in a relationship where you feel your relationship is in danger if you're too honest, especially when what you're being honest about is the fact that you care for them. I'm living proof that making a change can make a big difference. I'm currently in a happy and healthy relationship with a wonderful man, and when I say "I love you," he says it back. (One more thing, if your family is unhappy that you're dating this person, and their reasons have nothing to do with race or religion - listen to them. Sometimes, they can see what you can't.

Been There, Never Going Back

Thanks, BTNGB. Sometimes a little reinforcement goes a long way.

I am 23 and have been in a relationship for almost three years now. It is my first "real" relationship (I didn't get a lot of male attention in high school or the early years of college). He treats me wonderfully, and I really feel like I should be happy. The thing is, sometimes I'm not sure if I'm in love, or love him more like a friend/brother. At times I wonder if I should date around and get more experience before settling down, and my curiosity has been exacerbated by a couple of guys who recently, about three months apart, confessed their feelings of attraction/infatuation to me. (The first one came out of nowhere with no encouragement from me; the second I admit to flirting with, but viewed it as meaningless fun.) Well, after the second guy made his grand pronouncement, I realized there was something more there than I thought. I ended up making out with him. (I know, this sounds like high school, not college.) I felt terrible about it and confessed everything to my boyfriend. He wasn't even angry! It confuses the hell out of me. His take was that as long as I agreed to cut off contact with this guy, was very remorseful about my actions, and was sure I'd rather be with him, there was no reason for him to be angry. He was upset and said that if we broke up he'd be "devastated," so it's not that he doesn't give a shit what I do. I guess the questions I have now are: Does he lack the self-respect to get angry that I cheated on him, or is he simply not wired to get angry? Why did I cheat on him in the first place? Am I with him because I'm comfortable? Is he with ME because he's comfortable? Obviously, I need to decide in order to be fair to him and me, but I'm terrified of making the wrong decision.

Not Sure

Three years is a long time, NS. I’m sure that’s what your boyfriend thought when you confessed to making out with somebody else. That’s a lot of time invested to throw something away over meaningless tonsil-hockey. So, no, it isn’t necessarily a lack of self-respect on his part, but rather a rational response. And I’m not sure what that means. You claim that he wasn’t angry, and if he wasn’t at least a little bit angry I would have to question his true feelings as well as his ability to feel. However, is it possible that he was at least a little angry, and that he chose to act rationally to avoid a big fight?

As to why you cheated on him, only you can know for sure, but I would guess that you feel a need, like most young people, to sow some proverbial oats. This is totally normal, and there is nothing wrong with it, only with your decision to act on your feelings before breaking up with him. Are you comfortable? Not any more, obviously. Is he? Who knows? So, what to do? Think of it this way: Are you ready to marry this guy? Are you sure? Do you think you can be reasonably sure without dating other people first?

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check form here.