originally published May 7, 2008

So, I was dating this girl and we just recently broke up. She's a bit older than me, but her life is refined. Mine is not. She's got a great job, great house, in short - she's doing well. I'm 26 and finishing school. Anyway, I believe we broke up for these reasons, being that she wouldn't get close because of this time in my life. My question to you is: if this has already happened to me with a girl a couple years older than me who's established, am I going to be going through this until I'm secure in my future?

Thanks.

Puzzled

Not necessarily, P. Not every woman who is refined and established necessarily needs or wants those things in a partner. Plenty of professional women are willing to open their hearts (and their refrigerators, and their tastefully decorated homes) to a guy with little or no financial security. Life is a process, and most people understand that at 26 (and in the process of finishing school), you can hardly be expected to know who you are and what you want, much less a matching sofa and loveseat. And there are plenty of women who, like you, are in the process of getting established. And, let’s face it, some people never get their shit together at all, and they sit around and play guitar and video games and find love anyway (you know who you are), or at least a woman who will tolerate their ass. There really is no telling, and you probably shouldn’t analyze it too much. You two broke up, and you need to move on. Things will get better.

I love a man that I think loves me, but he only shows affection when he wants to, and I can't read him at all. How do I know if he loves me for real?

Is this your man, or a man? If he’s your man, at least that’s a start. If you can’t read him, you need to start asking questions and having real conversations. The man is not a book to be read, he is a person to be known. Yes, there are subtle clues like body language and eye contact and all that, but you’re not an FBI profiler, you’re his partner (I’m assuming). Don’t corner him, or throw a whiny “we never really talk” at him, either. Just start opening up a little. Tell him things about yourself. Ask him things- about himself, his family, his feelings. But not like a quiz show. That will (justifiably) only freak him out. Not saying “I love you” doesn’t mean a lack of real love any more than merely speaking the words proves the existence of it. If you can’t communicate, you can’t have a relationship, no matter how much you love each other. So work on that.

I love my husband very much. We share everything. We never fight. We have great sex. We do nice things for each other. I have a perfect marriage, except for one thing. Recently, I have had major insomnia. I have always been a light sleeper, mind you, but lately it has been so bad that I have tried over the counter sleeping pills, therapy and finally, prescription medication. It works most of the time. But the thing is, my husband gets into bed and falls asleep immediately, every night, without fail. And soon after, he starts snoring, and it invariably keeps me awake. The thing is, I don’t want to be mean, but I sort of resent him for it. I know it isn’t rational, but it is very difficult to be rational when you don’t get any sleep. I am afraid I am going to go crazy soon.

What can I do?

Sleepless

Have you tried going to bed before him? It may seem simplistic, but if you take your meds and climb in, and ask him to wait half an hour before coming to bed, it might help. Unless, of course, his snoring actually wakes you up, in which case you will only be more frustrated. Do you have a guest room? Is your couch comfortable? Have you tried sleeping separately? It may sound crazy, but separate beds are currently all the rage. And if you work it properly, it doesn’t have to kill your sex life, or the closeness you feel when you snuggle, or any of that. I recommend it if you have the space. Buy some really nice sheets, get a comfy pillow or two, try some aromatherapy candles- whatever. Make that space your own, and make it a place where you can truly relax. Bring this up to your husband as a practical answer to your problem. It may seem weird to him (and to you, for that matter) at first, but I’m sure if you are able to get some sleep you will be more sane and you’ll both be more happy. Other things I suggest are white noise (a fan works great for me), earplugs and books on tape (on your headphones, if you have to drown out the snoring). Good luck.

Hey, I think that your straight forward, don’t-give-a-shit attitude is priceless. I enjoy reading Reality Check and your anonymous friend must be a home-school kid, why else would he get offended so easily?

Anyway, I just wanted to compliment you on running a bitchin' advice column.

Your New Favorite Kid

Aw, shucks. Thanks, YNFK.

Jyl Inov

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