originally published February 7, 2007

BECAUSE I SAID SO

(PG-13) You can call this flick Demeaning Diane, considering Diane Keaton, one of Hollywood’s grandest dames, had to endure two cakes in the face, two Internet sex searches, laryngitis-induced tomfoolery, and a squeamish fake orgasm with Rev. Cam of “7th Heaven” as 60-year-old single mom, Daphne, who wants so badly to see her youngest, Milly (the giant Mandy Moore), find happiness. The matriarch of an impossibly beautiful family that includes Lauren Graham of “Gilmore Girls” (the only actress whose comedic gifts weren’t wasted in this sitcom-y shtick) and Piper Perabo, Daphne uses an Internet dating service to find two guys for Milly. Johnny (Gabriel Macht) is the musician/ single father (when did single fatherhood become today’s symbol of great guydom?) with an endless array of vests; Jason is the perfectly bland architect (an impressive Tom Everett Scott). Because I Said So’s wasting of Keaton’s immense talents is more than disappointing; it’s heartbreaking. (Beechwood, Carmike)

BLOOD AND CHOCOLATE

(PG-13) Predictable, sub-Underworld pseudo-horror, Blood and Chocolate, based on emo-goth pop lit by Annette Curtis Klause, shouldn’t offend its target audience. Prophesied to lead her pack into an age of hope, 19-year-old lycanthrope Vivian (Agnes Bruckner, The Woods) is betrothed to Gabriel (Olivier Martinez, Unfaithful), the father of her insouciantly coiffed cousin Rafe (Brian Dick). Then she meets a young graphic novelist, Aiden (Hugh Dancy, Elizabeth I), with whom she truly falls in love. Sexy in a teasingly overt PG-13 kind of way, Blood and Chocolate is the true lycan Romeo and Juliet that Underworld, produced by the same folks, purported to be. Ends Thursday (Carmike)

CATCH AND RELEASE

(PG-13) Why Susannah Grant, the Oscar-winning screenwriter of Erin Brockovich as well as the surprising In Her Shoes and Charlotte’s Web, chose to make her directorial debut with this distasteful romantic comedy about a woman dealing with the death of her lying, cheating fiancé is beyond me. You can almost hear the pauses she left in the film so the audience can recover from the fits of laughter that never come. As Gray Wheeler, Jennifer Garner (“Alias”) wheels from manic to depressive as she deals with dead fiancé Grady’s hideous mother (Fiona Shaw), annoying child by a chi-obsessed massage therapist (Juliette Lewis), and not-quite-a-cad best friend Fritz (Timothy Olyphant, “Deadwood”). Though Kevin Smith, as Grady’s suicidal friend Sam, has some smart comic timing, there’s a reason he cast himself as Silent Bob. That Grant would think it proper for Gray to find love so soon after her fiancé’s death and with his friend left me with a most bitter taste in my mouth. (Beechwood); Ends Thursday (Carmike)

CHILDREN OF MEN

(R) Prophetic filmmaker Alfonso Cuarón conjures the immensely sad weight of a hopeless world without children in his nightmarish yet agile Children of Men. In 2027, humanity is infertile and has been for 18 years before bureaucrat and former activist Theo Faron (Clive Owen, radiating world-weary humor and reluctant heroism) is tasked with protecting the world’s one seed of hope, a pregnant illegal teen called Kee (Clare-Hope Ashitey). The breathtaking Children adds several intelligent counterpoints to the post-apocalyptic filmic conversation. A rare example of smart, sharp filmmaking. (Carmike)

CHIMPANZEES: AN UNNATURAL HISTORY

(NR) 2006. This episode of “Nature,” the two-time Emmy winner for Outstanding Informational Series, looks at the chimps whose lives as research animals and entertainers were turned around by people looking to give them a second chance. This film’s discussion will be led by Suzie Fatkin, a third-year UGA student majoring in Anthropology and Ecology. Part of the 2nd Annual Film Festival on Animals and Society, sponsored by UGA’s Speak Out for Species. For more information, visit www.uga.edu/sos/filmfest. Shows Monday, 2/12 (UGA SLC)

DÉJÀ VU

(PG-13) This sci fi/ action/ romance is never as tricky as it thinks it is, but it’s not a bad way to spend an evening, either. ATF agent Doug Carlin (Denzel Washington) joins a top secret government task force, led by Val Kilmer, to stop the explosion he’s currently investigating from ever happening. (Georgia Square 5)

THE DEPARTED

(R) Adapted from the Hong Kong actioner Infernal Affairs, The Departed straddles the law with the parallel lives of mob mole Colin Sullivan (Matt Damon) and police rat Billy Costigan (Leonardo DiCaprio). Though Colin and Billy’s intense game of rat-and-mouse dominates the film, Jack Nicholson rules it. Intelligent and taut, The Departed is Martin Scorsese’s most purely entertaining film. Nominated for five Academy Awards. Ends Thursday (Beechwood, Carmike); Starts Friday (Georgia Square 5)

DREAMGIRLS

(PG-13) Glitzy and glamorous, the Golden Globe-winning Dreamgirls, chronicling the Supremes-like rise of Deena (Beyoncé Knowles), Effie (“American Idol” finalist Jennifer Hudson), and Lorrell (Anika Noni Rose), never shies away from its Broadway roots. Writer-director Bill Condon’s script is near perfect, but no one would notice were it not for the cast. Jamie Foxx and Knowles are good, but it's Eddie Murphy and Hudson who earned their Golden Globes. The former Beverly Hills Cop delivers an Academy-approved, showy performance from a diminished star, and though newcomer Hudson’s acting may be a bit rough, her booming voice drums out such thoughts. Dreamgirls has both the rhythm and the blues. Nominated for eight Academy Awards. (Beechwood, Carmike)

EPIC MOVIE

(PG-13) Epic Movie, from the criminals who perpetrated the Scary Movies and Date Movie, is a new pile of stinking poo that stinks of everything but the sweat of actual hard, creative labor. A game cast can’t find a single laugh in these blunt stabs at The Chronicles of Narnia, Snakes on a Plane and Harry Potter. Wasted is impersonation impresario Darrell Hammonds’ Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow. Hammonds’ mimicry is so brilliant it’s blinding amidst the rest of this myopic muck masquerading as merriment. This crap’s not amusing; it’s depressing. (Beechwood, Carmike)

ERAGON

(PG) I can’t remember watching a movie so disrespectful of its source material, the bestselling novel by Christopher Paolini. Eragon (Edward Speleers), an orphaned farm boy, discovers he’s destined for greatness as the last Dragon Rider. What was innocent awe on paper is hokey on celluloid. (Georgia Square 5)

FLUSHED AWAY

(PG) Expecting Aardman Animations’ first fully-CGI feature to be as good as Wallace and Gromit is unfair, it's still better than most cartoons, though. After being flushed from his plush home, “society mouse” Roddy (v. Hugh Jackman) enters an under-London world, which he and pal Rita (v. Kate Winslet) battle the villainous Toad (v. Ian McKellan). (Georgia Square 5)

FREEDOM WRITERS

(PG-13) Freedom Writers, based on the true story of Erin Gruwell and her students, bucks the trend of D.O.A. January releases. As a first-year teacher, Gruwell (Hilary Swank) enters a hellish environment populated with gang bangers, recent parolees and any other teen deemed “unteachable” by a system not willing to adapt. Swank is a perfect hire for the small but steely Gruwell, whose growth as a teacher is as significant to the film as the transformation of her students. Ends Thursday (Carmike)

HANNIBAL RISING

(R) This Silence of the Lambs prequel was my first round selection in this past Sunday’s Fantasy Moguls draft (yes, I belong to a fantasy movie league; what of it?). In a bit of a Hollywood first, Thomas Harris’ novel was released in December, just a few short months before the filmed version of his screenplay. The book, Hannibal Rising, was fascinating, and Peter Webber’s (Girl with a Pearl Earring) film doesn’t look to tell Hannibal the Cannibal’s origin any less intriguingly. Good luck, Gaspard Ulliel, cinema’s third Lecter; you’ve got big, scenery-chewing shoes to fill. Also starring Gong Li (Miami Vice). Opens Friday (Beechwood, Carmike); Shows Friday, 2/9–Sunday, 2/11 (Highway 17 Theatres)

THE HOLIDAY

(PG-13) Cameron Diaz, Jude Law, Kate Winslet and Jack Black discover that ideal movie love while clad in expensive duds and romping through gorgeous homes. Holiday reminds us Hollywood still has some romantic magic left. (Georgia Square 5)

THE LAST SIN EATER

(PG-13) Faith-based movie about a young girl who thinks she is responsible for her sister's death seeking redemption by seeking out a Sin Eater to remove her sins. Starring Louise Fletcher and Henry Thomas. Directed by Michael Landon, Jr. (Love Comes Softly, Love's Abiding Joy). Opens Friday (Carmike)

"THE JOHNNY CASH SHOW"

(NR) 1969. A couple episodes of "The Johnny Cash Show" featuring the Man in Black's special guests The Monkees, and more. Shows Monday, 2/12 (Flicker)

THE MESSENGERS

(PG-13) See Flick Skinny. The Pang Brothers, Danny and Oxide (man, I wish my name were Oxide), made their mark on Japanese horror back in 2002 with The Eye. Now they’ve come to Hollywood with The Messengers, an obvious yet foreboding ghost story. The Solomons (including Dylan McDermott, Penelope Ann Miller, and Kristen Stewart) have just moved to North Dakota to escape cinematic familial drama. The idyllic escape doesn’t last long as teenage daughter Jess (Stewart) begins sensing the creepiness that lurks inside the most clearly haunted house ever (the realtor who unloaded this “fixer-upper” should be awarded a medal). Her apparently clueless parents then hire a weird nomadic guy with a gun (John Corbett) to help harvest their picturesque sunflower crop. The film dares ask the audience to choose sides in the Battle of the TV Studs, McDermott and Corbett. Messengers’ nonsensical goings-on lead to genuinely terrifying scenes (I’ll never carry a baby down a dark hallway the same way again) when the brothers smartly allow the audience to imagine the horror waiting just outside of the light. But with its limp climactic twist, the flick finishes most unsatisfyingly. Still, for about an hour there, Hollywood properly translates the illogical, scary language of J-horror. (Beechwood, Carmike)

A NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM

(PG) After taking a job as a night guard at the Museum of Natural History, Larry (Ben Stiller) discovers the displays come to life when the sun goes down. Night at the Museum is a barely amusing romp due in large part to everyone but its star. Ends Thursday (Carmike)

NORBIT

(PG-13) Are a Golden Globe and an Oscar nomination enough to make the new Eddie Murphy flick a big family hit? We’ll see. Murphy takes on three roles as good-natured Norbit, his obese fiancée, and the Chinese man who adopted him. Murphy allegedly infuriated costar Thandie Newton (Beloved) so much she nearly quit the production. Directed by former “Head of the Class” member Brian Robbins (Good Burger, Varsity Blues). Co-written by the star and his “Chappelle’s Show” stealing older brother, Charlie. Opens Friday (Beechwood, Carmike)

NOTES ON A SCANDAL

(R) The titular scandal involves new art teacher Sheba Hart (Oscar nominee Cate Blanchett), whose affair with a 15-year-old student is meticulously detailed in the notes kept by ancient history teacher Barbara Covett (Oscar nominee Judi Dench). Notes really has three stars, and Dame Judi is the only traditional one of the bunch. Patrick Marber’s Oscar-nominated adaptation of Zoe Heller’s novel is as delightfully twisted a piece of work as Closer. He amuses with puckish adjectives and cynical nettles that narrator Barbara twists deeper and deeper until they can’t be removed without furthering the damage. Barbara, whose obsession is at once Sapphic, platonic and dangerous, is like a desiccated Tom Ripley, and the film has the haughty, suspenseful air of Patricia Highsmith. Like Highsmith, Marber is a master of crafting horridly unsympathetic characters. But unlike Highsmith and her dedicated anti-hero, Notes provides us with no one to pull for. The third star of Richard Eyre’s film is the Oscar-nominated score, another instant classic by Philip Glass (The Hours). Notes on a Scandal is one mesmerizing, creepy thriller. (Beechwood)

OFF THE BLACK

(R) See Movie Pick. (Beechwood)

THE PAINTED VEIL

(PG-13) Lush adaptation of W. Somerset Maugham's 1920s-era novel about an unhappily married woman (Naomi Watts) who embarks on an affair. When her researcher husband (Edward Norton) finds out, he volunteers the both of them to fight a deadly cholera epidemic in a remote part of China. Winner of the Golden Globe for Best Original Score. Opens Friday (Beechwood, Carmike)

PAN'S LABYRINTH

(R) In Pan’s Labyrinth, the Spanish Civil War means to slice youth from out the gullet, a war crime Guillermo del Toro’s gothic fairy tale can only delay but not deny. Young Ofelia (Ivana Baquero) discovers an old stone labyrinth and a faun who asks of her three tasks. The adventures of Ofelia - a Spanish Alice in a terrifying Wonderland, a desperate Dorothy escaping war-torn Kansas for a darkened Oz - have all the tropes of fantasy fiction, but the magic realism causes the little girl’s success to mean so very much to her and the audience. The not-remotely-for-children film broke my heart. As a writer, del Toro has matured well beyond his previous efforts, all under-served somewhat by his structure, pacing and characterizations. I’m at the end of the line for doling out post-2006 best of accolades, but I would be remiss not to include Pan’s Labyrinth, the greatest fantasy film in quite some time. Nominated for six Academy Awards. (Beechwood)

THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS

(PG-13) Devoted father and salesman Chris Gardner (Oscar nominee Will Smith) finds himself homeless, but with pluck, moxie and a little luck, he lands on his feet when Dean Witter offers him a job after an unpaid internship. In adapting the real Gardner’s life, Steven Conrad sickeningly reifies most Americans’ belief that the plight of the homeless can be eradicated through hard work. Ends Thursday (Carmike)

THE QUEEN

(PG-13) The Queen is a royal “West Wing,” allowing a glimpse behind the throne. Golden Globe winner Helen Mirren brings all her graceful control and ice-cold radiance to a Royal Majesty bungling the sudden death of constant thorn in her crown, Diana. Peter Morgan’s screenplay posits what transpired in the private chambers of the monarchy with a deftly light comic touch that detracts nothing from its dark gravity. Nominated for six Academy Awards. (Beechwood)

THE SAME RIVER TWICE

(NR) 2003. Director Robb Moss won two Best Documentary Awards - one from the Birmingham Sidewalk Moving Picture Festival and one from the Nashville Film Festival - for his sensitive portrayal of five former hippies facing the sobering reality of middle age. The Same River Twice intertwines footage from a 1978 trip down the Colorado River with the realities of modern adulthood. Also nominated for the Independent Spirit Awards’ Truer Than Fiction Award and for Sundance’s Grand Jury Prize. Part of the ACC Library’s iFilms series. Shows Thursday, 2/8 (ACC Library)

SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE

(R) 1998. The surprise Best Picture winner is a lovely, smart mix of comedy, romance and drama. Young Will Shakespeare (Joseph Fiennes) is experiencing a bit of writer’s block when theater fan Viola (Oscar winner Gwyneth Paltrow) sneaks her way onto the stage and into his heart. The screenplay by Marc Norman and Tom Stoppard (I highly recommend his filmed version of his own Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead) is brilliant. Winner of thirteen Oscar nominations and seven statuettes. Shows Thursday, 2/8 (Tate)

SMOKIN’ ACES

(R) Joe Carnahan’s Narc was one of 2002’s most overlooked treasures, but Joe C’s hipped out return to the big screen doesn’t measure up to his first major feature. When Las Vegas entertainer/ wannabe Mafioso Buddy “Aces” Israel (“Entourage”’s Emmy winner Jeremy Piven) turns stoolie, a million-dollar bounty is placed on his head - or more specifically, his heart - and a bevy of contract killers descend on the Reno suite where Israel is holed up with hookers, blow and his own guilty conscience. Carnahan may just be another Tarantino neophyte, but he’s one of the most talented. His early dialogue is crisp and witty, and he clearly and amazingly gets his many plot plates spinning with at least a half-dozen narrators. Sadly, Carnahan mistakenly believes he’s made us care for his cut and paste stereotypes, constructing too many scenes that require emotional attachment to be anything but boring. Suffering from overkill, the flick’s too long by 30 minutes and just not fun enough. Still, Aces is a decent enough hand to win your money back. (Beechwood, Carmike)

STOMP THE YARD

(PG-13) Stomp the Yard follows DJ (Columbus Short) from underground street dancing in L.A. to the beautiful campuses of the Atlanta University Center. A talented dancer, DJ soon finds rival fraternities fighting over his skills to ensure a victory at the national step show competition. Stomp the Yard may just be a good old competition movie, but the choreography’s fly and the surrounding melodrama not out of step. (Carmike); Ends Thursday (Beechwood)

STRANGER THAN FICTION

(PG-13) As Harold Crick, an IRS agent who hears of his impending death from the English woman narrating his life, Will Ferrell does a less showy job of being dramatic than Jim Carrey did in The Truman Show. Amazingly, Ferrell, with the most reliable delivery in the business, is as funny as the straight Crick as he was the demented Ricky Bobby. If only he were a stronger romantic lead. The romance between Crick and pretty baker Ana Pascal (Maggie Gyllenhaal) feels false. Marc Forster over-directs Fiction with intense inconsistency. Fortunately, Zach Helm’s screenplay shows the softer side of Being Charlie Kaufman. You can actually see the end of his just-intricate-enough maze. No matter its imperfections, Fiction is no stranger, and a lot better, than your typical congenial diversion. Ends Thursday (Georgia Square 5); Shows Friday, 2/9–Sunday, 2/11 (Tate)

UNACCOMPANIED MINORS

(PG) When a group of kids are stranded in an airport for Christmas, they naturally run around committing various acts of violent slapstick. Not much - humor, plot, sentiment - in Minors appeals to adults, but this standard Christmas story is strangely joyous. Ends Thursday (Georgia Square 5)

WHEN THE SEA RISES

(NR) 2004. The sixth annual University of Georgia French Film Festival continues with Quand la mer monte…. Actress and cowriter/ codirector Yolande Moreau (Amélie) won the Best Actress César as Irène, the middle-aged performer of a one-woman show who romances a porter for carnival giants (Wim Willaert). Winner of the Prix Louis Delluc for Best First Film. Each of the festival selections will be introduced by film professor, Dr. Richard Neupert. Sponsored by UGA Cinematic Arts and the Department of Theatre and Film Studies. Shows Monday, 2/12 (Tate)

Drew Wheeler