originally published December 6, 2006

APOCALYPTO

(R) Crazy Mel’s back with another flick set in an ancient era where everyone speaks a foreign language. As the Mayan civilization declines, a young man, Jaguar Paw (Rudy Youngblood), chooses to flee rather than face becoming the sacrifice his leaders believe will lead back to prosperity. Opens Friday (Beechwood, Carmike)

BARNYARD

(PG) Otis (Kevin James), a carefree young Holstein, refuses to settle down until his pops Ben (Sam Elliott), gets offed by a pack of coyotes. Pretty creepy to behold and a bit more serious than the preview lets on, Barnyard is the slightest animated kiddie flick of the season. (Georgia Square 5)

BLOOD DIAMOND

(R) Ed Zwick’s Blood Diamond, about the effects a conflict diamond has on a mercenary (Leonardo DiCaprio), a fisherman (Djimon Hounsou), and a journalist (Jennifer Connelly), might have relevance, but it sure does lack appeal. With Arnold “The Mummy” Vosloo. Opens Friday (Beechwood, Carmike)

BOBBY

(PG-13) If not for writer-director-star Emilio Estevez’s strong stable of actors (Anthony Hopkins, Freddy Rodriguez, Joshua Jackson, Lindsay Lohan, Elijah Wood, William H. Macy, etc.), his not-really-a-biopic would not have been nearly as effective. Estevez writes in clumsy clichés; he directs with them, too. The film is cluttered with far too many trite actors and one-dimensional characters. Still, Bobby, misted with earnest idealism, successfully weaves its Kennedy spell. Ends Thursday (Beechwood, Carmike)

BORAT

(R) Armed to the teeth with uncomfortable malapropisms and anti-Semitism, Kazakhstan television personality Borat Sagdiyev (Sacha Baron Cohen) travels across the United States, unmasking inner bigotry wherever he goes. While I can josh about the moral depravity of my American family, I’ll be damned if I need a supercilious Brit calling Lady Liberty a whore. With Borat, Cohen isn’t laughing with the us, he’s laughing at the us, a distinction too fine for an America as stupid as the one he exposes to make. (Beechwood, Carmike)

CASINO ROYALE

(PG-13) How well does new 007 Daniel Craig wear the famed tux? Pretty damn well. Chronicling Bond’s first assignment as a Double O, Casino Royale charts very highly, and so does its new Bond. I’ll need another film to confirm my assessment, but Craig is the best Bond since Connery. Still, Bond is no longer a veteran of the Double O ranks; he fails to perform with anything nearing his usually slick perfection and feckless arrogance nearly dooms him. I don’t know where the Bond franchise is headed, but I do know nobody’s done it better than Casino Royale and Daniel Craig in a long, long time. (Beechwood, Carmike, Highway 17 Theatres)

DECK THE HALLS

(PG) Is there a human being left alive who has yet to learn the lesson about the true meaning of Christmas? A holiday dictator, Steve Finch (Matthew Broderick), feels his new neighbor, Buddy Hall (Danny DeVito), is trying to out-decorate him. The slapsticky competition that ensues is only slightly less funny than the actual words coming out of the actor’s mouths. Subtle and destructive as a nuclear hammer, this sex-obsessed family flick just might make the year-end Worst of List. Here’s hoping. (Beechwood, Highway 17 Theatres); Ends Thursday (Carmike)

DÉJÀ VU

(PG-13) This sci fi/ action/ romance is never as tricky as it thinks it is, but it’s not a bad way to spend an evening, either. ATF agent Doug Carlin (Denzel Washington) joins a top secret government task force, led by Val Kilmer, to stop the explosion he’s currently investigating from ever happening. The flick tries to blow some scientific mumbo-jumbo up the audience’s collective ass, but it’s too boring and complicated. Ignore the science, enjoy the action. (Beechwood, Carmike)

FLICKA

(PG) Katie (Alison Lohman) hopes breaking wild mustang Flicka can prove her ranch handiness to daddy (Tim McGraw). Lohman is always impressive, even if her career choices oddly seesaw between adult and innocent. Flicka’s no stud, but sometimes all a family needs is a steady workhorse. (Georgia Square 5)

FLUSHED AWAY

(PG) Expecting Aardman Animations’ first fully-CGI feature to be as emotionally engaging and stupendously entertaining as Wallace and Gromit is unfair, it's still better than most cartoons, though. After being flushed from his plush home, “society mouse” Roddy (v. Hugh Jackman) enters an ingenious under-London world, which he and pal Rita (v. Kate Winslet) battle the villainous Toad (v. Ian McKellan). Directors Sam Fell and David Bowers and their five screenwriters are a clever bunch, creatively using household flushables to power life in rodent city. Ends Thursday (Beechwood, Carmike)

FLYBOYS

(PG-13) Flyboys could be Top Gun 1917. Unfortunately, it ends up being Pearl Harbor: 24 Years Earlier. Atrocious dialogue, anachronisms (James Franco has fracking highlights in his hair!), and a bland band of flyers down a film that aspires to the grand old-fashioned romance of the award-winning air films of the 1920s–'30s (Wings and Hell’s Angels, this is not). Starts Friday (Georgia Square 5)

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION

(PG-13) One thing’s for sure. Christopher Guest’s mockumentaries aren’t getting any funnier. The fourth, a lampooning of L.A., is still smarter and snappier than most aborted comedies. Guest and co-writer Eugene Levy pointedly skewer Hollywood’s buzz making the movie rather the logical way around. It’s just that Consideration is chortle-worthy, not gut-busting. Filming an atrocious Southern-set tragedy, three actors (Catherine O’Hara, Harry Shearer, and Parker Posey) contract undeserved Oscar fever. If you’ve worn out your DVDs of Guffman and Best in Show, consider a trip to the multiplex. If you’re a Guest virgin, don’t make Consideration your first. Ends Thursday (Carmike)

THE FOUNTAIN

(PG-13) If Darren Aronofsky is the new Kubrick, then The Fountain is his 2001. Visually spectacular and esoterically incomprehensible, The Fountain spans thousands of years in the love life of two soulmates (Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz). This film possesses a rare curative power, and Aronofsky controls a talent of equal scarcity. The Fountain, photographed by Matthew Libatique - he worked on both Pi and Requiem - ravishes the eye and ear (Clint Mansell evocatively scores this gravely heartrending film). The Fountain is often little more than a special effects-laden one-man play with Jackman shining as conquistador, scientist and astronaut. Jackman and Weisz wonderfully, tearfully capture the push-and-pull of a couple’s last days together. A flawed masterpiece, The Fountain feels incomplete. I wonder what could have been had Aronofsky’s original vision been completed. Wearing its heart proudly on its intelligent designer sleeve, rightly deserves entombment in the heady sci fi mausoleum that houses 2001 and Solaris. (Beechwood)

THE GRUDGE 2

(PG-13) It’s official. Horror is doomed. The second Americanized Grudge from director Takashi Shimizu redirects the arbitrary anger of Kayako, the croaking, coal-eyed ghost who was murdered by a jealous hubby, from Sarah Michelle Gellar, the heroine of the original Grudge, to her sister, Aubrey (Amber Tamblyn, looking more and more like Marcia Gay Harden). Ends Thursday (Georgia Square 5)

THE GUARDIAN

(PG-13) Too physically damaged and mentally scarred to return to the water, gallant Ben Randall (Kevin Costner) is transferred to the extremely elite “A” School, where the attrition rate of potential Rescue Swimmers, like cocky Jake Fischer (Ashton Kutcher), is over 50 percent. As a by-the-numbers military training flick, The Guardian doesn’t dissatisfy, though it would’ve been more intriguing had it broken ranks. Ends Thursday (Georgia Square 5)

HAPPY FEET

(PG) Mumble the penguin (voiced by Elijah Wood) takes an eye-popping, breathtaking journey from dropped egg to societal savior. Happy Feet taps out a fresh rhythm to which you can dance when it’s not delivering pat lessons on religious intolerance and environmental destruction. Not until the Amigos appear, led by the infectious Ramon (Robin Williams), does this cold film thaw somewhat. Thinking visually, the musically gifted Happy Feet fails to act narratively. (Beechwood, Carmike)

THE HOLIDAY

(PG-13) I appreciate writer-director Nancy Meyers’ films. She proved to have impeccable taste in both What Women Want and Something’s Gotta Give. Her latest is as finely attired (Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law and Jack Black) and its locales (California and the English countryside) gorgeously appointed. When two lovelorn women swap homes for the holidays, each meets a new man and falls in love. Opens Friday (Beechwood, Carmike)

THE ILLUSIONIST

(PG-13) Edward Norton stars as Eisenheim, the magic man who, while performing in turn-of-the-century Vienna, makes an enemy of Crown Prince Leopold (Rufus Sewell), whose intended (Jessica Biel) is the magician’s one true love. Writer-director Neil Burger soaks the audience in mysterious wonder, a sleight of hand that quickly vanishes once the magical show is over. Starts Friday (Georgia Square 5)

MAN OF THE YEAR

(PG-13) Who hasn’t considered the blissful prospect of a Jon Stewart-delivered State of the Union Address? Writer-director Barry Levinson wastes that peach of an idea on a weak campaign that is completely undermined by its star candidate: Robin Williams. Man doesn’t just lack yuks; it goes horrendously off-message with a thriller subplot. Starts Friday (Georgia Square 5)

THE MARINE

(PG-13) Amidst a horde of humdrum fights and explosions, real-life wrestler John Cena’s John Triton cheats death while attempting to rescue his wife (Kelly Carlson) from murderous thief Rome (Robert Patrick). A weekly installment of "Smackdown!" packs more humor and excitement than this frozen slab of beef. Ends Thursday (Georgia Square 5)

THE NATIVITY STORY

(PG) See Flick Skinny. I’m not ruining anything by telling you this retelling of the most famous story ever told holds no surprises. Mary (Keisha Castle-Hughes, who is actually pregnant and unmarried) is told by Gabriel (the kind of creepy Alexander Siddig) that she’s having God’s kid. Then, she and Joseph (Oscar Isaac) travel to Bethlehem where there’s a manger and some swaddling clothes. King Herod (Ciarán Hinds, Caesar in HBO’s “Rome”) gets all pissy and infanticidal about a prophecy foretelling his being overthrown. The three wise men gift us with some unnecessary comic relief along with gold, frankincense and myrrh. Besides the glorious cinematography of Elliot Davis, I found very little wonder in the third film from Catherine Hardwicke (Thirteen, Lords of Dogtown). I know the circumstances surrounding Jesus’ birth are set in stone, but the Bible’s pretty sparse with the details. I would’ve liked to see Hardwicke show some bravery and look at The Nativity Story through the unvarnished eyes of a pregnant young girl. As it is, everyone involved displays such reverence and faith that Mary’s ancient out-of-wedlock pregnancy has all the miraculous drama of my mother’s ceramic nativity set. What’s next? Nativity II: Jesus Bugaloo? (Beechwood, Carmike, Highway 17 Theatres)

ONE NIGHT WITH THE KING

(PG) The $20 million feature from the producers of The Omega Code achieves some grandeur with John Rhys-Davies’ voiceover, a stringy orchestral score and exotic location shooting, but quickly pays it back with contemporary dialogue (Esther might as well canoe over to Dawson’s house) and small-screen acting. Ends Thursday (Georgia Square 5)

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST

(PG-13) Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley) must retrieve the compass of Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) for a power-hungry noble. Meanwhile, Captain Jack is pursued by sea demon Davy Jones (Bill Nighy). Depp still slurs and swishes across the screen, but, called upon to again rescue an entire film, finds himself a few witty doubloons short. (Georgia Square 5)

THE QUEEN

(PG-13) See Movie Pick. (Beechwood)

RINGER - SECRET WORLD CHAMPION

(NR) Created in Atlanta by Dorn Brothers Productions (they do awesome wedding work), Ringer delves into the funny-serious world of underground horseshoe throwing. This flick’s got it all - revenge, kudzu, jenga and horseshoes, of course. Also showing are clips culled from the Dorn Brothers' other escapades, collectively called DornStar TV. Dead Confederate (Hardy Morris, Brantley Senn, Walker Howle, John “J5” Watkins, and Jason Scarboro - all of whom appear in Ringer) will perform prior to the screening. Shows Thursday, 12/7 (Flicker)

THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS

(R) 2001. When estranged father Royal (Gene Hackman) announces he has a terminal illness, his children - former prodigies Margot (Gwyneth Paltrow), Chas (Ben Stiller) and Richie (Luke Wilson) - reunite. Funny and sad, Tenenbaums is Anderson’s up-to-the-minute masterpiece, perfect in every way. From writer-director Wes Anderson. Shows Thursday, 12/7 (Tate)

THE SANTA CLAUSE 3: THE ESCAPE CLAUSE

(G) If you’re looking to get your holly jollies early, your cinematic sleigh has arrived. SC3 may use every elfin pun imaginable as Jack Frost (Martin Short) challenges the reign of Santa/ Scott Calvin (Tim Allen), but nothing about the high-concept, low-imagination flick is terrible. SC3 is just an old-fashioned family holiday film. (Beechwood, Carmike)

STRANGER THAN FICTION

(PG-13) As Harold Crick, an IRS agent who hears of his impending death from the English woman narrating his life, Will Ferrell is as funny as the straight Crick as he was the demented Ricky Bobby. If only he were a stronger romantic lead. You can actually see the end of this just-intricate-enough maze. No matter its imperfections, Fiction is no stranger, and a lot better, than your typical congenial diversion. Ends Thursday (Beechwood, Carmike)

TALLADEGA NIGHTS: THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY

(PG-13) Using the basic three-act race movie structure popularized by Days of Thunder, Ricky (Will Ferrell) goes from pit crew to victory lane in less than 200 frames. Talladega Nights is poised to take this year’s Comedy Cup. Ends Thursday (Georgia Square 5)

TENACIOUS D IN THE PICK OF DESTINY

(R) Tenacious D rocks. The band, not the movie. The D’s movie suffers the same fate of the band’s HBO series. Whenever PoD brings the rock, the film blasts off the screen. But once the thrashing, Tommy-esque rock opera opening number - including Meat Loaf as JB’s religio-fascist daddy - ends, PoD falls into standard sketchy comedy territory. Say what you will about Jack Black (I often say he works up a pretty good sweat to not be that funny), but he and fellow D-er Kyle Gass constitute a kick-ass metal tribute band. Written by Black, Gass and director Liam Lynch (Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic), PoD further proves Black is no comedy superstar. Pick of Destiny may not rock, but The D most definitely is the greatest fake rock and roll band in the world - behind Spinal Tap, of course. Ends Thursday (Beechwood, Carmike)

TURISTAS

(R) At least Eli Roth enjoys making splatterous exploitation flicks like Cabin Fever and Hostel. I got the strongest feeling the only reason John Stockwell (the tremendously underrated Crazy/Beautiful, Blue Crush and Into the Blue) signed on to direct Turistas was for the opportunity to film underwater again. He shoots the ultraviolent stuff in such disdainful, rainy gloom you can’t make out what’s happening or even who it’s happening to. Is that Josh Duhamel’s (“Las Vegas”) protective older brother getting hacked with a machete or is it the floppy-haired British guy? Even the big operation scene, which pretty gorily disembowels super hot Beau Garrett, sprints by so Stockwell can get back into the beautifully lit blue. The spine-tingling first half - the black market organ harvesting spiders lure unsuspecting American tourists into their web with a beach, a bar and Brazilian babes (you’ve got to seriously consider a situation not to be copasetic when the ugly guy gets some hot Brazilian action) - works better than Hostel’s rip-off of Eurotrip. Still, I’ll take Roth’s zesty bloodletting over this humorless, overly coincidental reason not to travel to South America any day. (Carmike)

TWISTED

(NR) Prepping for its January Independent Lens national broadcast debut, Laurel Chiten’s film follows three persons living with dystonia, an ailment that forces the muscles into twisted, often painful postures. Basketball coach and triathlete Pat Brogan (he developed dystonia after a bike accident), lifelong sufferer Shari Tritt, and artist Remy Campbell, who successfully risked radical brain surgery, all display the will needed to live when trapped inside their own body. Part of the ACC Library’s iFilms series. Shows Thursday, 12/7 (ACC Library)

UNACCOMPANIED MINORS

(PG) If not doomed by poor writing and the noxious Wilmer Valderrama, this holiday flick about youngsters (including Tyler James Williams of “Everybody Hates Chris”) stranded in an airport on Christmas Eve could be the video iPod in this year’s stocking. Director Paul Feig is a “Freaks and Geeks” alum, and the cast includes two former “Daily Show”-ers (Lewis Black and Rob Corddry), two Bluths (Jessica Walter and Tony Hale), two “Office” mates (B.J. Novak and Mindy Kaling), three former “Kids in the Hall,” Cedric Yarbrough (“Reno 911!), and David Koechner. Yeah, I’m just rationalizing. I don’t think any of these guys could make this holiday kiddie flick any better. Opens Friday (Beechwood, Carmike)

VAN WILDER 2: RISE OF THE TAJ

(R) You know a sequel’s just a cheap attempt to milk the desiccated cash cow completely dry when the main character is relegated to the subtitle. Wilder’s star pupil, Taj (Kal Penn, Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle), travels to England to spread his mentor’s lessons for sexing up college chicks and STDs. It’s not as if Taj is a first-rate TA. He takes a busload of England’s finest university students on a tourist’s excursion around London and reenacts the Battle of Agincourt on a paintball field. If your funny is an unprintable list of alternative names for a vagina, Taj should crack you up. The flick indulges in the proud ogling of '80s sex comedies like Porky’s II: The Next Day, Hardbodies, and Stewardess School where filmmakers realized teenage boys could care less whether or not a flick was funny so long as it produced the goods. It’s a good thing, too, because those comedies were something but comedic wasn’t it. The bizarre sanitization of puerile cinema may have cut down on the amount of female breasts Taj displays, but God bless, it can’t keep them all fully clothed. (Carmike)

Drew Wheeler