A Million Monkeys

Strolling Down the Information Superhighway

originally published April 5, 2006

The Internet is like an amateur poetry anthology. Most of it consists of either rote regurgitation of content that has been, apparently unbeknownst to its repeaters, trampled to indistinguishable pulp ‘neath the hooves of a billion dead horses (as evidenced by the fearful horde of Britney Spears fansites, for instance), treacley nuggets of public exposure that inspire nothing so much as worry that the author may be afflicted with an as yet undiagnosed form of sociopathic panglossia, or some schizophrenic combination of the two. Yet, tucked in the valleys between these mountains of misspent minutes, one can discover lush lost worlds of words teeming with magnificently-cobbled chimeras and curiosities of sufficient abnormality and ingenuity to jolt the sedentary mind from its routine-induced slumber. With a modicum of dedication and a bit too much free time, these ingots of the bizarre can be sifted from their more prosaic medium-mates and, though they may possess no more tangible use, their sheer strangeness makes them fodder for the too-often smoldering fires of the mind.

Sadly, as is also the case with amateur poetry, much of the web is porno. And, barring draconian legislation, it will likely continue to be. In a much maligned and since wholly discounted article, Carnegie Mellon undergrad Marty Rimm (yes, that is his real name) sought to make a name for himself by declaring in the Georgetown Law Review that 83.5 percent of images found on the early 'net were explicit. The ensuing Time cover story, retractions, firestorms and boatloads of Congressmen gleefully discarding notions of free speech and leaping aboard what turned out to be an imaginary ship (producing legislation later struck down by the Supreme Court), have become legendary in the annals of Internet history. (Visit www.virtualschool.edu/mon/CyberPorn for a well-linked rundown of the debacle atop a quixotic background of seashells.) Falsified statistics notwithstanding, smut is a fact of electronic life. None of it, however, is as confusing to view or comfortable to sit on as the small but hilarious stash at www.furnitureporn.com. Co-opting the absurd plotlines, impossibly stilted dialogue, and ADD-afflicted camera-angles of human-based ribaldry, the creators of furniture porn (no doubt aided by copious substances of dubious legality) have posted evidence of the seedy goings-on that everyday household appointments participate in when their human masters are absent. The pinnacle of their achievements is a short film of two lovely thrift-store chairs quite literally wearing themselves out on a tenement roof. (Download QuickTime from www.download.com to view the ruckus.) Though this may be arguably the most useless website on the planet, it is also a refreshing reminder of the breadth of human imagination when whims are allowed to utterly run amok.

Nudity on the 'net is not wholly relegated to the ethereal realm of the intangible body electric, however; nor is it entirely directed at unseen viewers in darkened rooms, as the huddled masses at www.moonamtrak.org cheekily attest. As the lore would have it, a mysterious K. T. Smith inspired the first communal railroad rump show in 1979 by announcing to the patrons of a trackside bar in Laguna Nigel, CA, that anyone with huevos sufficient would receive a libation free of charge. Driven by what must have been a mighty thirst (or at the very least the effects of a previously quenched thirst), the entire establishment emptied into the street and ventured onward to press chain-link prints into their respective fundaments as the train passed by. Not possessing the flashier accoutrement of their Orange County countrymen, the natives of the town took a shine to the event and have carried on the tradition ever since, as the site's photos (complete with handy links to professionally-made prints… for posterity) clearly expose. Directions and details for the next annual gathering on June 6 are also available for those who prefer to ignore the nagging sensation that joining in might be slightly less amusing in hindsight.

Nor is baring said hindsight to governmental agencies consigned merely to financially foundering public transit. Beyond the enterprising activists raising revenue for a West Wing rear show at www.moonthewhitehouse.com, compulsive collector Sam Blomberg has posted atop his pictorial tribute to preposterous post receptacles a letterbox clearly intended to leave the man in the blue uniform with little doubt what the address-holder thinks of receiving his copy of Bike! two weeks late. Alongside numerous other examples of residents going to outlandish lengths to put the personal back in postal reception, from the chiropractor’s anatomically-correct and beautifully-aligned spinal column to converted out-board motors and angry donkeys, www.sblom.com/mailbox features a mailbox remarkably rendered to resemble a cyclist hunched provocatively with the backflap of his breeches welcoming incoming correspondence.

No people could be counted as more definitively adroit at displaying the anteriors of their various appendages - whether they be middle fingers or derrieres - to anyone, regardless of political affiliation, than the denizens America’s own shining city on a hill: New York. Succinct exemplars of this reputation for refreshing frankness abound at the well-loved www.overheardinnewyork.com. The site collects such unsurpassable gems of human interaction as a Columbia student declaiming loudly, “I mean, if I could have sex with myself, I totally would”; an angry septuagenarian hurling the damning insult “Damn Klingons!"; and a teen fashion queen wistfully ruminating on the nature of a friend's existence, “She’s like a human muppet… But not sexually.” The site has been so overwhelmingly and consistently popular, that its editors, one of whom has a Harvey Pekar (of American Splendor fame) biography out this month, have joined that rarefied cabal of web-based hucksters who have made the transition to print in a recently published book of the same name. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then similarly conceived collections for Chicago (www.overheardinchicago.blogspot.com), London (www.overheardinlondon.co.uk, and seemingly endless waves of other pretenders, suggest that the original’s reputation for coruscating honesty is well deserved.

BrandonWaddell A link is a many-splendoured thing. Email yours to outthere@flagpole.com with “A Million Monkeys” in the subject line and earn the people’s ovation and fame forever.

BrandonWaddell

A link is a many-splendoured thing. Email yours to outthere@flagpole.com with “A Million Monkeys” in the subject line and earn the people’s ovation and fame forever.