originally published March 7, 2007

The Internet is like Holden Caulfield. Much of what’s on the web is peppered with profanity and giddy, unflappable teenage sexuality of the same breed that titillates high school students reading the serial killer-inspiring and oft-banned Catcher in the Rye . Also like J.D. Salinger’s infamously dyspeptic teenaged antihero, much of what the Internet spews is a seemingly endless screed against banality in all its kaleidoscopically repugnant variety, willful blindness, and, of course, phonies of all sorts. Simultaneously, however, it is subject to the same criticism it so constantly levels at others. Maybe the underlying message is that crumbiness is a pretty constant quality of life. But, whether halted in the rye field of blissful youth above or plunged headlong into the yawning precipice beyond, at least there’s always a little something of note to keep the hours moving along.

In his later years, Salinger himself has proved nearly as much a misanthrope as his most memorable creation. While protecting one’s privacy and sanity from the never-blinking eye of Saur… uh, the public, is an entirely understandable purpose to which to devote the lion’s share of one’s life, one of the more unfortunate knock-off effects has been that many of the man’s works have also languished in artificially-imposed obscurity. Many of his fine short stories and at least two novels can be read only in decades-old periodical publications, closely-guarded locked library backrooms, or not at all. Luckily, not immediately subject to J.D.’s infinitely litigious nature, some brave soul has reserved space on a Hungarian web hosting service at www.freeweb.hu/tchl/salinger/ to collect and freely disseminate a sizable number of these works. In addition to free copies of Catcher , the germ stories for the slightly less well-known Franny & Zooey and the fantastic short story collection Nine Stories , the cache holds such hard-to-find nuggets of disgruntled prose as “I’m Crazy," which introduced the young Caulfield to the world; “The Heart of a Broken Story,” and the novel Hapworth 16, 1924 , which the curmudgeonly author has serially "postponed" from wider publication since the mid-1960s.

One of Holden’s more enduring gripes is that, at a certain age, the hapless masses settle a little too comfortably into the predetermined mores of their social classes. Precisely what sort of peer pressure could possibly induce those at www.hatsofmeat.com to don porkpie hats of actual pork or yarmulkes of kosher brisket one can only guess, but the site’s slightly out-of-date design (and copyrights) suggests that, thankfully, the trend must be on its way out. The out-is-the-new-in allure of the user-submitted shots is, however, hard to deny. Naturally though, at a certain point, what was absurd grotesquerie decomposes into something genuinely appalling on both a gut level and in a broader social context. Hence, as with most things in life, consume (or wear) meathats in moderation.

Among students who’ve already forgone the last vestiges of their god-given innocence, none is rumored to be so fully phony as the much-maligned business student. Yet, with their creation of www.terrapass.com , a Wharton professor and several of his former protégés are working diligently to shirk that common preconception. Using a market-sensible approach to reducing one’s carbon footprint, TerraPass allows visitors to estimate their carbon emissions from driving, traveling and living then give an equivalent amount to renewable energy production and research to offset them. As the impressive list of top-notch publications who’ve previously mentioned the site at the bottom of TerraPass’frontpage makes abundantly clear, the monkeys are Johnnys-come-lately to this planet-huggin’party. But for those who can neither shake the nagging guilt from the daily commute nor the necessity to actually do it, a TerraPass should serve as a reasonable alternative to going completely alternative.

Ultimately though, even the most determined loner comes to the realization that one has to have some sort of place in everyone else’s world, regardless of its relative crumbiness. MIT developer Ben Fry’s graphically-engaging project at http://acg.media.mit.edu/people/fry/zipdecode/ is one way to make the choice. Providing an interesting visual account of how ZIP Codes mimic population density (turn on the zoom function for an even flashier effect) and how the USPS’system defines the American map, the interface works by slowly narrowing down the geography as potential ZIP Code numbers are typed. Chillingly, the map shows that all ZIP Codes in Topeka begin with 666. Considering, however, that Kansas, the band, formed in Topeka, this isn’t truly as much a surprise as it at first seems. Carry on wayward sons, indeed. Conversely, those who’d prefer to go from city name to postal number rather than the other way around can choose a state at www.brainyzip.com and then see an alphabetical listing of the state’s cities and corresponding codes.

Finally, regarding our own little cartographical corner, it seems the monkeys are yet again guilty of the sin of omission. Sites that collect unwittingly funny verbal ephemera from cities across the globe (primarily www.overheardinnewyork.com ) made an appearance in this column more than a year ago [almost: April 5, 2006], but a homegrown iteration succeeded somehow in slipping beneath the radar. Thanks are due to a Ms. White (with the candlestick in the study) for clueing the monkeymaster in to this missed opportunity. Assembled at www.overheardinathens.com and updated at least a few times a day are snippets of cringe-inducing, comical and downright contemptible conversations scribbled down and submitted for the amusement of those of us not lucky (or unlucky) enough to hear them firsthand. Those who direct their browsers thence are likely to find this site well worthy of a spot in the daily rotation keeping them from making more useful contributions to society. Those who presciently heeded AMM's last installment’s advice [Feb. 7] and set up a free, infinitely useful www.netvibes.com homepage can now add an OiA module that some kind soul (do monkeys have souls?) submitted and got approved. That denizens of our very own ZIP would be so indiscriminate as to utter, within public earshot, some of the choice phrases collected on the site might be reason enough to choose the cliff over the safety of the rye.

Brandon Waddell

All morons hate it when you call them morons. Help save ‘em all by sending links to outthere@flagpole.com and remember to mention Million Monkeys in the subject line.