Neil Hamburger

A Comedian's Sob Story

originally published October 1, 2008

It's safe to say that Abraham Lincoln, he who was born to simple means and lived a life pockmarked by failure, didn't expect to be the martyred symbol of American resolve and unity. Muhammad Ali didn't aspire to be the greatest - it was so, and he accepted this mantle. Jesus Christ didn't ask to be God's son. And it is with this same reluctant diligence that Neil Hamburger trudges through his life, bearing the uncanny weight of being our one and only... "America's Funnyman."

You can see it in his face: a grimace made permanent by joke after failed joke, topped off with a mop of grease made up to look like a comb-over. It's a visage that screams of exhaustion, after a lifetime of what may by now amount to tens of thousands of performances - Mr. Hamburger claims to perform over 400 times a year. And yet, he soldiers on. Flagpole caught up with America's Funnyman as he was traveling through our great nation's heartland, and what we first wanted to glean from this journeyman of the world of jokes is this: What sort of advice can you impart to us, the younger generation?

"Don't. Do. Comedy." This was followed by silence.

After some prodding, Mr. Hamburger elaborates: "I can't remember a time when I wasn't doing these shows. This year I think we're on pace to do 417 shows. That's a horrible life." Indeed, with over a dozen albums under the belt of his ill-fitting tuxedo, Mr. Hamburger does bear the mark of a man out of time: his routine is strictly set-up/punchline, with a significant nod to the golden days of stand-up. It's pretty hit or miss stuff; you can hear an audience on those albums but not a lot of laughing. But with laughs, as it is with life, it's not about quantity, it's about... nevermind.

Mr. Hamburger's austere demeanor is in direct contrast, however, to the subject matter: very "blue" stuff, with plenty of off-color remarks about celebrities and puerile gross-outs. "Oh yeah, well, because that's what the kids are into, all that swearing," Mr. Hamburger insists when asked about his Michael Jackson/Britney Spears/Paris Hilton-related bits, most of which cannot be printed in this publication.

"I won't tell jokes at the expense of the apricot industry," Mr. Hamburger says, "because that is an up-and-coming industry; they're trying to get more apricots into school lunches and that whole scene, and I just feel it would be in poor taste to undermine their efforts. Other than that, I'll talk about anything." Right. Well. Principles make the man.

Principles don't pay the bills, however, and his perpetually failing career is always a topical detour of Mr. Hamburger's performances. This writer expressed concern at America's Funnyman's seemingly eternal spastic coughing, which takes up roughly a third of his time onstage. Are you getting that checked out, buddy? "I can't afford that, you know? I'm trying to work out a deal with the Arby's people where I'll mention them in some jokes in exchange for some medicine. They have a first-aid kit at every Arby's."

Clearly, though, not everything is going down the tubes for Mr. Hamburger: in addition to his sporadic "Poolside Chats" show on Tom Green's website, he is working on pitching a pilot for a game show featuring "Adult Swim"'s Tim & Eric of "Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!" Additionally, last year our hero made an excursion into what he calls "the music of the people," country and western music.

"Well, you know, a lot of these comedy albums are just not selling anymore. What's his name, Carrot Top, he doesn't even have an album out, because they don't sell. Spoken word in general is pretty dead - they did a boxed set of Dwight Eisenhower speeches recently, and I think they sold about 25 copies. In the meantime, everybody's buying all this music, so we said let's get into this more lucrative music situation."

However, you can't be what you aren't, and Neil Hamburger is a comedian (in theory). This is what he does, and he can't imagine doing anything else. "Well, when I'm not onstage I'm usually sobbing, so I'd have to assume if I wasn't onstage permanently I'd be sobbing permanently," he says. "There's no secret; this is all I can do and what I have to do.  If I could tell you a secret, it'd be: don't do this."

Jeff Tobias

WHO: Joel Atwill, Pleaseeasaur, Neil Hamburger
WHERE: Tasty World
WHEN: Wednesday, Oct. 1
HOW MUCH: $7